WLS Journal Part 7: Hard weeks Happen

This has been my hardest week by far. I hit my lowest weight in five years last week. I was happy. How do you normally celebrate a big accomplishment? I don't know about the rest of the world but around here we celebrate with food. We eat, drink and are merry.... that is until the shame of the Monday morning weigh in sets in. 

Thursday I weighed 268... Monday morning I weighed 272.4. Reality check for table one please. I attibute this gain to a few things... I ate pork twice this weekend. Ribs one night, butt the next. Pork and my mama's genetics for hypertension do not mix... lesson learned. Secondly, I didn't work out... not one day. Friday was busy and I didn't have time. Saturday, I was just plain lazy. Sunday, I was just plain lazy. I felt awful about it... Really, I did. But feeling awful, unfortunately, does not burn calories. Lastly, I fell back in to my old habits. I celebrated my four pounds right back on. For instance, Mother's Day was Sunday. I ate fried chicken, homemade mac and cheese, deviled eggs, potato salad... the whole southern spread. Granted, I didn't eat as much as I used to. I ate a fraction of what the old Heather would eat. But I ate more than what the new Heather should have. Plus, I topped it off with pound cake, ice cream and strawberries. Yes, I said pound cake. 

I realize my mistakes in there. I always have. The new Heather felt invincible going in to the mother's day celebration. The New Heather was working out and losing weight. The New Heather deserved a day off. The New Heather DESERVED POUND CAKE! 

I know it doesn't work that way but I sure wish it did. And since it doesn't the NEW heather is faced with a four pound gain in one weekend.

That would be fine... except for the next challenge that "the new Heather" must face... The End of the School Year.

Monday was ok... I had to take the oldest child to the doctor. He had fast food for lunch. I had a grilled chicken breast. I sent him away to school when we got home. I was too tired to work out. I cleaned house and picked up the middle and youngest. I was still depressed from the morning scale report.

Tuesday was field trip day with the youngest. Active day ahead. I packed my cooler full of water and protein supplement. I packed a protein bar in my purse. I was prepared. Lunch was provided. Lunch was a personal pan cheese pizza, gummy candy, and a coke.... a regular coke, not a water or a diet... just coke. Thanks. I ate my protein bar and drank my water, that I had artfully smuggled in via my purse. I politely refused my soda and gave my pizza to one of the especially hungry second grade boys. That was all fine and good until I wandered down to the first floor of the place and discovered a subway, a build a bowl salad workshop, and a smoothie station. Why weren't these places offered in the discount student pricing? Why do we insist on feeding our children and their parents processed crap that no one really needs in their bodies? Anyway, thank goodness for protein bars.... but.... the second part of the field trip did me in.

Krispy Kreme. That's the rally call for fat people everywhere. Krispy Kreme. It's melodious sound brings our blood sugars up with just the alliteration of the name. We pawn their sugary treats off in the name of fundraising. It's diabetes for a good cause. Krispy Kreme was our second grade class's second stop on the end of the year field trip. 

We were there to observe how an assembly line worked. This is good in theory. They have open access to the assembly line. However, the sugar starved second graders are much more interested in buying their donut from the counter than watching the donuts on the assembly line. It would be a much better lesson in economics than in production.

The Krispy Kreme field trip added an assorted dozen to my weight loss struggle. After that, a mom trip to Starbucks was added just for an extra dose of temptation. I succumbed to a Chocolate covered Kreme filled.... I refused a Starbucks calorie filled concoction. Felt like a half-win... not a total loss in other words.

The next day I woke up with a new resolve. It lasted until my neighbor called to invite me to a pizza by the pool lunch for another friend. I accepted the invitation and luckily there was salad to go with the pizza. Some one was thinking of my new bariatric life. I ate the pizza and survived... but none of this rich food was helping me get rid of that extra four pounds.

In the midst of all that celebrating I had not had time to work out. I learned early on that without sweat none of my weight loss was possible. This was affirmed during this week of celebrating. If I don't want to work, I will not lose. Take that, people that say this is the easy way out. It most certainly is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

To top it all off my hair is falling out. It's falling out in handfuls. They say it happens if you don't get enough protein. I am getting my protein. They say it happens if you don't take your biotin. I'm taking my biotin. I'm using expensive shampoo and not using my hair dryer excessively but still my hair is leaving at a rapid pace. I don't know what else to do but to wait until it starts to come back. Hell, I'd rather be healthy and skinny and bald than sick and fat  with a full head of hair. Bring it on, hair loss. I'm ready.

Today I weighed in at my lowest weight. It took me almost a week but here I am again. It wasn't an easy week. I was stressed, I was  moody, I was craving my favorite foods, I was sad that I couldn't have what I wanted, and I was depressed that I couldn't just be born skinny.

It was a hard week emotionally and I haven't even covered the tip of it... but I sit here tonight and I can see where I messed up and I can see where next time I will do better. I'm learning as I go and I am so pleased with how far I have come. I can only sit and look forward to where I will go from here. 

WLS Journal Part 6: Seven Weeks and Counting

Seven weeks ago today I was waking up from my sleeve gastrectomy. It has been a whirlwind since that day. I've lost 62 pounds from that day that I stepped on the scale and made up my mind to have surgery. I've lost 42 pounds in the 7 weeks since surgery. I'm still learning every day what I need to do but I just thought I would share the highlights so far.

I'm glad I wrote my previous entries before I had the operation. I honestly haven't had time to sit down and gather my thoughts since the surgery. It's crazy how much time I wasted before sitting on the couch, binge watching TV, and stuffing my face with crap. I planned my grocery trips around lunch time so that I could stop and get fast food on the way home. Some days I would go back to bed after the kids left for school and sleep until almost lunch time. I had zero energy. I hurt all over some days. My joints ached, my back hurt, I had this generalized malaise that was debilitating some days. My feet and legs would swell during the day and ache all night long keeping me awake most nights. 

Days after I started the pre-op liquid diet these symptoms began to subside. I went into surgery already feeling the beginnings of a new person. It was what got me through those hunger filled days of one liquid supplement after another. It felt good to detox my body of sugar and caffeine and other garbage that fills the tasty foods we love.

The first week following surgery was a learning process. I wasn't hungry at all. I had to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to sip water or eat a popcicle. The fourth day post I was so excited to be able to drink a protein shake again. I felt like I was ready for something with some calories and nutrients. This was the first and I think the only time that my new stomach has said "SLOW DOWN SALLY!" After one big gulp I knew that was it and I was done. I learned really quick to take it slow and listen to my body.

Adding foods back after the full liquid phase was easy. It didn't take long to find a routine and find foods that my stomach approved of. I do have to be very careful not to munch on chex mix, crackers, chips, etc. Those foods are referred to as "sliders" because they dissolve quickly after entering the stomach and you never feel the full feeling after eating those. I quickly removed most of these from my pantry. I'm still weak in the temptation department and I've found I just can't have those things around.

The funny thing is, the kids haven't noticed. They ate those things too because they were there. Since surgery the entire family has adapted to my new lifestyle. There's healthier things available for them now. My daughter eats a fruit salad after school instead of a bag of cheetos. My boys love the quick protein options that I keep on hand (boiled eggs, turkey, chicken, almonds, string cheese). I worried a lot about cooking meals for the whole family but that hasn't been a problem either. I enjoy cooking just as much as I ever did. I have modified our routine menu though. There's lots less fried chicken and pasta bakes and lots more baked and grilled lean meats and fresh veggie sautees. So far I haven't heard any complaints from my crew.

Exercise is essential for me. I'm sure some people can have this surgery and never sweat a drop but I am NOT one of those people. I didn't like getting off the couch to walk to the fridge before this surgery. Now, I am miserable when I don't get my work out in. I know, I used to roll my eyes when I heard people say stuff like that too. But, I'm telling you it's the truth. Exercise gets oxygen to all your tissues and promotes healing. Exercise also releases endorphins that mimic the ones that your body releases when you eat those foods that you love. When I have the munchies exercise helps curb those cravings. And when I have put in my work out for the day I don't feel so bad about a few extra calories. Our bodies were really truly made to move and I'm learning more about that every day. 

You can't go through this journey alone. Family support is critical. In the moments that I struggle with anxiety or body image issues it's so beneficial to be able to talk to my husband or my sisters or mother. They know exactly what I need to hear. The online support groups have also wonderful for me. There is one group that is strictly composed of people that had surgery within the same three month time frame of each other. It's so helpful to be able to talk to people going through the process at the same time as I am. I'm a two and a half hour trip from my doctors office so I haven't been able to attend the support group meetings there. I will warn, you have to be knowledgeable of your own doctor's recommendation when you are active in an online group. Just because someone in California is able to eat eggs and grits the first week does not mean that you should. When in doubt always contact your doctors office. 

Speaking of that, I can't say enough about how wonderful my doctor is. Any question I have I can send him a message on facebook and he responds within the hour. I've only had to take advantage of this service once or twice but it's awesome that he makes himself available to his patients like that. 

Pictures and measurements are SO important. There are days, like today in particular, that I feel pretty down. The scale hasn't moved as quickly as I want it to over the past week. I'm having some water retention probably hormonal but frustrating nonetheless. I take a profile pic every Tuesday and take measurements the same day. So when I bounce around a number on the scale I can look at those "before and after" pics and measurements and it's proof that I am making progress. It's so funny, I'll take the pic and my first response is "ugh, look at my belly." or " my arms are huge." But then I sit down with my phone and put it side by side with that picture from the day before surgery and I truly see how far I have come. It's crazy how much satisfaction there is in that, just knowing that your hard work is making a difference.

I have to remember that it took me 8 years to get to my highest weight. Part of your brain expects to see a difference the day you wake up from surgery. I know that's not how it works but a tiny part of you feels like it should be how it works. On the days that the scale hasn't moved I always ask myself if I have done what I'm supposed to do. If the answer is yes then I suck it up and move on. If the answer is no I change whatever I need to change to make the next day better. Everyone says "it's not a race"... and that may be true, but I choose to think of it as one of those endurance races. You have to pace yourself, listen to your body, and make the necessary adjustments along the way.

Above all, the most important thing that has gotten me through this journey so far is prayer. The liquid diet pre op was a struggle. Its the closest thing to a fast that I've ever done in my life. There's something to be said about overcoming the hunger and finding peace. In those moments of frustration, desperation, depression, anxiety, God is there for me. He hears my cries and he calms my spirit. He's there to celebrate my victories and fortify my resolve. This journey has tested and strengthened my faith and I'm so grateful for all that I have learned. On a lighter note, sometimes the only thing that can save you from a Poundcake is to whisper the name of Jesus. He hears the cries of His people from the big things to the little things.  Romans 8:26 is one of my favorites, "In the same way the Spirit joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings."

The response to my journal of this process has been overwhelming. Friends, new and old, have reached out to me with their own struggles or support and it has fortified my spirit immensely. Thank you so much for all your sweet and encouraging comments.