WLS Journal Part 9: 11 Things NOT to Say to A WLS Patient

From the start of this journey I've experienced lots of different reactions from people when they find out that I've had surgery. Most of them are positive. There are a few that do not approve of the surgical option. A lot of people are just generally uncomfortable talking about someone else's weight problem. It's like they know you're heavy but hearing you say "I'm tired of being fat." mortifies them because you are almost literally addressing the elephant in the room. Anyway, along my journey I've had some comments that I found funny or hurtful and I thought I would share with you. 

Things NOT to say to a Weight Loss Surgery Patient.

1. "You look great. I hope you can keep it off this time." I know that sounds like something really nice to say. And it was a really nice thing... until you added the "this time" to it. Believe me, no one is more frustrated with my failed diet attempts up to this point than I am. I am quite aware of my past failures and yo-yo dieting. I know all too well what it has done to my body. I don't need you to be passive aggressive and remind me under the veil of a compliment. I'm not trying to be snotty but the "this time" sounds like you don't expect me to succeed and when I know that you don't expect it, it just hurts.
2.  "I would love to have the surgery but I can't make myself do it (or can't afford it, or am not brave enough). I guess I will have to lose my weight the hard way." Really? Because having a major operation where they remove 80% of my stomach sounds easy to you? Because I recognize that my eating disorder was so severe that the only option to help save my life was to have to physically alter my anatomy to the point that I could hurt myself if I overeat? That sounds easy to you? I will be the first to admit that the weight has come off faster and steadier than any diet I've ever tried. It hasn't been as hard for me as it is for some people. I have friends that vomit every single day because their new stomach is super sensitive. There is a lady in a support group that I'm a member of that has to be tube fed now because she had a bad surgeon and started leaking after surgery. She nearly died. I cried the night before because I was worried something would go wrong and I wouldn't see my kids again. It was never an easy decision. It was the hardest most prayed over decision I have made about my health. It's been a hard journey retraining my mental game with food. It's been hard to get up and work out on days that I don't feel like it. It's been hard to go out to eat and really want to finish a meal but not being physically able to. It's a constant battle with my mind over what it wants versus what my body can have. I've been lucky that my outcomes have been so good so far, but easy is not a word that I would use to describe it. 
3. "How much weight have you lost?(insert my reply) "That's amazing, how much more do you want to lose?" Just ask me how much I weighed before surgery. You know you want to. I don't mind telling you. I'll tell the world. I have to own up to how big I once was so that I will never get to that point again. But when you don't ask directly... when I can see you adding the numbers I tell you up in your head it's uncomfortable. It's a little funny to me too, because I'm one person that doesn't hold any of that back. I'm sure there are others that do feel ashamed of their high weight and for this reason, just don't follow up with the second question. 
4. "You look so pretty now!" Thanks. I'm sorry I was such a fat ugly troll before. (honestly, I don't think that every time but on a snarky day I do.) Once again the solution is to just stop talking. Don't add the "now". Just leave it at "you look so pretty" and we are both happy.
5. "I would have surgery but I just like food too much." Because I got to 334 pounds because I hate food? And it's not like I can't have food anymore. I still get to eat. I just am learning to eat like a normal person eats. It's that simple. We all like food too much, that's why so many adults are obese now. 
6. "Be careful which doctor you choose, my _____ had that surgery and she died." This is mainly for the pre-op stage. Yes this surgery can be dangerous (see #2). But for me, I always ask follow up questions to the so-and-so died story. First, I ask when she had surgery... it's usually pre-1985. Old school, open gastric bypass. That was over 30 years ago. Doctors still smoked in the hallways of hospitals in 1985. The gastric bypass surgery of 1985 was totally different than the surgery today. And I'm not even having gastric bypass. Then I have to go into how my surgery is different. And usually this isn't even from someone that I know. This is the type warning I get from a lady that notices I'm buying protein shakes in Wal-Mart and feels led to warn me about aunt Eunice that had a bad bypass in 1983. Now, don't get me wrong. I extensively researched this surgery. I researched my doctor, and the hospital that he used. I knew every symptom of every possible complication. I put my nurse brain to work and I was prepared. I was probably more prepared than the average patient but that's just because of my medical knowledge. Regardless, I know people die of complications of surgery, but just because a friend of a friend of yours had a bad outcome does not mean that everyone else will.
7. "Are you gonna trade your husband in for a new one when you get skinny?" This one really made me laugh. The answer is no. No other words for this one... just no.
8. "Did you ever try diet and exercise before?" You mean I could have dieted and lost weight? I never knew? Why didn't you tell me that before I let that crazy doctor cut my stomach out? ........ Are you kidding me? Stop.
9. "What do you eat? (Usually followed by "well I might just try to eat exactly that and see how much I lose")" Go for it. I mean if I could have stuck to my tiny portion sizes before I might not have been in the mess I was. I struggle to get 800 calories a day, even with nutritional supplements added in. It's not a diet for the faint of heart. I don't know many that could stick with this regimen without the physical restriction that surgery provides. Go for it and let me know if you still think this is an easy way out. 
10. "Better not gain it all back." I'm so glad you told me that because that was exactly what I was planning to do. If it hadn't been for your warning, I was gonna pack every pound back on. Thank you for warning me! I don't know what I would do without friends like you........ Come. ON. 
11. "Are you supposed to eat that?" This one is tricky. I don't mind if my husband tells me this as I pop a chip in my mouth. He's in this with me. He is keeping me grounded and on track. But when I have one tiny smidge of pie on my plate and some one at the party that knows I've had surgery, but doesn't really know me that well says it? That's a different story. I'm not telling you what to eat. What gives you the idea that you have the right to tell me? 

I know there are probably other things that I could add to this list, but you see my point. As I said before, there has been so much encouragement in my life these days. It almost makes it easier to pick out the things that bug me because I've heard so little of these. If you have someone in your life that is considering this surgery just be there for them. Offer your support. Ask them gently if they want to talk about their fears and their hopes. Compliments are always appreciated just be sure to keep your own doubts and judgements from showing through. I can't speak for everyone but I can assure you that this is one of the most emotional and rewarding journeys of my life. I'm loving the changes that I'm seeing but I'm mourning the loss of my old coping mechanisms. It helps to hear encouraging words. It's also really helpful to have a sense of humor and I hope that some of that shows through the list above. Thanks for reading! If you are a WLS patient I would love to hear some personal stories of your own encounters in the comments!