Ten years and 160 pounds of Wisdom

So tonight I was scrolling through Facebook as I often do on a boring, stay-home Saturday night, and I come across an article from one of the news outlets that I subscribe to. The article was titled, "10 things I've learned after Extreme Weight Loss". Of course I clicked on it. I was expecting a story that reflected my own weight loss journey. What I found was a condescending twenty something that had no idea what she was talking about.

Maybe I'm being harsh. If I am, it is because I was that girl when I was 24. I lost 100 pounds in my 24th year. The Atkins craze had taken the nation by storm and I was equipped with a bitter divorce under my belt. I had the motivation and the means to lose five stone. It happened and I rode that coaster for a couple of years. It was wonderful. But life went on and I remarried and had another baby and reverted to my old habits. This girl that wrote this article writes about being single and avoiding the weight loss subject with dates. She/s in for a rude awakening when marriage and baby comes her way.

Or maybe she isn't. I hope to goodness she continues on her path to healthy living. The thing that bothered me is how much she focused in her article about how others perceived her and how men especially treated her differently. I see that in my life now that I've lost weight but it doesn't define me. What makes me feel good now is what I see in MY mirror. Not what others see when they look at me. I, frankly, do not give a damn what anyone else sees when they look at me. I know how my body feels and I know how much work I've done in the gym. I know I'm on the right path. I don't care what anyone else thinks about my size. 

She was also very vocal about how she achieved her weight loss "on her own" without drastic measures such as bariatric surgery or fad diets. She said it as if the two go hand in hand. As if having one's stomach surgically altered was as simple as subscribing to a boxed meal service such as nutrisystem. I've got news for this young lady. I lost 100 pounds when I was your age. I gained 150 pounds back. Talk to me when you are 35 and you have a few kids out of that uterus. It's different. You won't be so smug about weight loss surgery when you have tried every "diet" and exercise program under the sun but you still only yo-yo through the same 30-40 pounds. It's especially frustrating when you have 80 or 100 to lose.  The fourth decade of life is a monster. It doesn't allow you to just "decide" to lose weight. The fourth decade requires you to WORK for your weight loss. And even that may not be enough... some times it requires surgical intervention. 

And there is NOTHING WRONG with surgical intervention. NOTHING! It's a step that you take when you feel like you are totally hopeless. Surgery is a step that you take when you have tried EVERYTHING with out reward. Surgery is a step that you take when you realize that you are going to die from this disease called obesity. It is not a step you take lightly. It is a step that you cry about the night before surgery because you fear that you may not see your children again. But it's also a step that you take so that you WILL have many more happy days with your children. It is a step that you take to promise your kids that there will be no more days of mommy on the couch; no more days where mommy asks you to bring her stuff because she's to heavy and lazy to get up and get it herself. No more days where mommy sits back and watches you play instead of getting up and playing with you. 

The girl talked about dating and hiding her weight loss from prospective mates. She is wrong. I was totally up front with my husband about my struggles with my weight. He married me knowing that I was a recovering fat girl. He stayed with me when my struggles  became reality. He supported all of my diet and exercise struggles. He was by my side after all of my failures. He fully supported me when I decided that surgery was my best hope at beating this disease. He encouraged me when I regretted my decision, he rejoices with me when I celebrate my victories. He might not feel the same had I pretended that I was never fat before we met. I don't know, maybe he would have. But that's not a chance I was ever going to take with a potential life partner. He deserved to know all of me.... the bad and the good, the fat and the skinny. And he accepted me regardless.

I wish I could reach out to this young lady. I would like to congratulate her on her journey so far. Losing 100 pounds is a monumental achievement regardless of whether you do it with surgery or without. I wish I could counsel her on how to deal with her food issues in a healthy way that would prevent her from falling back into her old habits like I did. Mostly, I would counsel her to be supportive of anyone on this weight loss journey. No matter how you get to your goal you are working toward being a better person. There is no shame in your game be it surgery, or nutrisystem, or weight watchers, or a personal trainer. It's all about beating this food addiction and becoming healthy again. I wish I could teach her how important it is for other people to hear positive reinforcement rather than scoldings for not doing the weight loss in the way that she believes to  be the "right way".

I wish I could introduce her to 24 year old Heather, and then fast forward to 34 year old Heather... The 34 year old that was trapped under almost 200 pounds of flab. I don't think she would ever understand the emotions and struggles that went into the decision for that Heather to go to a weight loss surgery clinic. You never know until you have been there. I would tell her not to judge a book she has yet to read.

Through the Social Media Looking Glass

Ya'll, I'm sad.

A few days ago something happened in my little corner of Alabama. I will spare you the details. If you are super curious you can read about it here. The story made me sad, as I'm sure it made any one of you that clicked the link.

But that's not what I'm really sad about...

The boys that were arrested and charged in this something that happened are school mates with my children. Though, I don't know them well we are a close knit small school and I feel like they are part of an extended family. I feel like a family member betrayed some non-existent trust.

But that's not what I'm really sad about...

You see... these "boys" decided to do what they did. It was terrible and awful what they decided to do. It was terrible and it was awful and they decided to do it and then, in the midst of the deciding to do it... they decided to video it and SHARE it with their friends. 

Whether or not they decided to share it for fun, or to scare somebody, or to gross out a girl, or whether or not they were just (according to our sheriff) "boys being stupid", the fact remains that they decided to share it.

That's only part of what makes me sad.

Has the share button desensitized our human relationships? Have we grown so accustomed to sharing every aspect of our daily lives on the Internet or via text or snap that we don't realize the emotional effect that our actions have on other people? Does viewing a crime through a phone camera somehow make it less real in our eyes?

Are we compelled by the device we hold to perform for the hundreds of people that follow our feed on a social network?

I have been seriously disturbed by the reports about the crime that was committed last week in our little community. I'm also disturbed by some of the more vocal public reaction to what happened last week in our little community.

The perpetrators are young... 17 and 18 according to police reports. They are babies in my opinion. That doesn't excuse what they did. Their actions are inexcusable.... but that does not take away from the fact that they are incredibly young.

Boys.... Almost men... With their whole lives stretched before them. And that makes me sad.

But that's not what makes me really sad.... 

See, these boys are getting death threats for the thing that they did. Strangers are threatening them, these teenage boys. Strangers are accusing their parents of being absent or uncaring. Strangers are passing judgment on people of whom they know nothing. A small sample of some of the comments on one social media news feed:

"Do I believe in the death penalty...no ...but in this case , I'll make an exception" -Tammy Urmann

"put him in a pen with some pissed off dogs, let me know how that works out for him sorry pice of s--t" - Tom Kuckens

"The justice for these rednecks should be In the words of the queen from Alice in wonderland --OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!" - Patrick Grisham

That's just a sample of what has made me really sad. The very people that are (supposedly) the most outraged at the actions of these young men are the very ones that cause me to lose sleep at night. It's shameful some of the things that have been said.

Are we all so desensitized to other peoples feelings that we feel that this is appropriate behavior? Is the mob mentality all of a sudden OK again? As long as it's on the Internet, and a computer screen stands between us and the world, are we so separated from our statements that we feel comfortable to say what ever we want with no thought as to how it will effect other people? We aren't nice anymore. Would we be as brave as to say to someone out in the community the same things we say under the veil of social media? I barely get passed, "Hey, how are you?" Rarely do I discuss my religious or political beliefs with the lady at the post office... but on facebook? Late at night? Buddy get out of my way, I'm gonna tell you how I feel. I am as guilty of this as the next person.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't think we should make excuses for these kids. They don't need us to brush what they did aside... In fact I believe quite the opposite. I believe that the people in their community, the people that these boys love and respect need to stand together, as a unified front and let these boys know that we do NOT approve of what they have done. They need to be held accountable for what they did. Most of all, they need to know that we love them, no matter what, and that we are praying for them with all of our hearts. I pray that they are truly remorseful. I pray that they got caught in the moment and that they were just being stupid. The story is out. At this point, if they have any hope of becoming productive adults, now is our chance to show them that there are consequences for their actions. Maybe sending it out to other kids was the proverbial cry for help? I can hope.

On the same coin I cannot make excuses for the trolls of social media news pages that delight in the destruction of lives. Just as these boys enjoyed what they did to their victims, the social news trolls delight in tearing down reputations. They delight in destroying families, and friendships, and communities. They delight in the agony of others. They are perhaps more evil and heinous than the crime that was committed to start with.

Our community is strong. We know what is right and I have faith that justice will be served in a reasonable and fair manner. As for those hateful people on the Internet, I have faith that justice will be served to them as well. Our community prays for those boys, their families, and we are even praying for the Internet trolls.

This can't and won't be solved in a day. It will take years for people around here to stop talking about what has happened. It will take longer for us to forget. The boys will never forget what they have done and they alone have to live with the guilt.  In the meantime I'm going to keep praying for them and for all of us. I'm going to try to focus on the joy in my life and leave the justice and the judgment to the courts.

 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."~ Philippians 4:8