The Big Stuff

Over the course of our marriage, which has been admittedly short, Jason and I have learned that it is best not to bring up certain politically charged topics. The reason for this is that we don't agree about everything. What???? you may ask. How can two people commit to each other when they don't agree completely on every political agenda?!? I'm gonna tell you... we agree to disagree. Yes... We AGREE to DISAGREE. You probably find it easy to scoff at that, but it's the truth. This doesn't mean we don't occasionally (or as often as the news cycles roll) argue about certain topics. We watch the news together frequently. The nightly news segment often ends with one or both of us saying "Time Out!". At that point we change the subject.... no questions asked.... we just change the subject to something else that we can agree on.

Now don't get me wrong. Jason and I are not political opposites by any means. We are both Conservative Christians. We agree on all the big big party defining stuff that conservatives pride themselves on. We both believe in the Bible first and foremost and above all else. Besides that, I label myself a Libertarian and he labels himself a Republican. On the majority of issues we tend to fall on the same side. If he would only agree with me, we would agree on ALL of the issues and be the perfect couple. But alas, he is too stubborn (aka wrong) to agree with me and i have to concede that, although I love him with all my heart, he just can't be right ALL of the time (ha!ha!).

We agree to disagree on these "big" issues in order to preserve our marriage. We step back from our arguments, we calm down, and we decide to love each other anyway (despite our stance on gun control or the death penalty). It took a LONG time and a WHOLE lot of prayer for us to get to this point. We used to stay up all night long and argue about this stuff. We finally realized, through prayer and meditation, that the big stuff didn't really matter. Now, before you close the webpage and dismiss my ideas, I ask you give me a minute to explain myself. I promise it won't take too much longer.

The big stuff doesn't matter. (exhale) What do we think is the big stuff??? All the stuff that makes national headlines outside of our personal relation ship is the BIG STUFF. It's the stuff that philosophers have debated for centuries. It's the stuff that you hear every time you tune into Fox News or CNN. In my opinion it's the stuff that doesn't affect my marriage at all.

So tonight, after only a little fussing about the Big Stuff, I got to thinking about the Little Stuff. I got to thinking about how he always leaves his shoes and pants next to his chair in the living room. I got to thinking about how he puts his wet towel on the floor next to his dresser instead of in the hamper. I also got to thinking about all the times he has had a smart comment about me leaving every cabinet door open in the kitchen, or me not putting the ketchup back in the fridge. He has just as many little things to get mad about as I do. And when we get mad about the big stuff those little things have a way of bubbling out too. That's what makes us really mad. That's the stuff that we throw in the argument that really hits under the belt. It's personal stuff. It's stuff that festers and lingers and turns into big stuff over time. We can be arguing for hours about whether or not guns should have longer waiting periods but the moment it gets personal, the moment he insults my housekeeping, or the moment I insult his work ethic, then it gets serious.

We talked about this with each other over the weekend. It actually came up because we were laughing over a facebook post that we saw that started out trivial but quickly got personal. How easy is it to get in arguments with people we haven't seen in four or five years? It's so easy to tell them what we think and either forget about it and move on, or cut them our of our lives (via internet) altogether. Jason and I have been discussing this a lot lately. How easy the "little things" get to us when we don't have to confront our 'friends' face to face, but how we let them slide when it's a friend that we do interact with.

We've been working on it in our own marriage as well.  We've realized that we have gotten so good at looking over the big stuff that we have forgotten to overlook the little stuff. See, I believe that the little stuff is the stuff that destroys relationships. Irreconcilable differences are common. It takes irrevocable commitments to overcome those differences. The commitment to love one another, no matter what the other says or does, is the most holy and the most coveted commitment. Satan wants to make thos little things become big things. That's his job. He puts those little things under your pillow so that you think about them after your partner is asleep. Those little things destroy our marriages. Not many marriages have failed because of a debate on which political candidate to back. Marriages fail because of one spouse not emptying the dishwasher and because of another not calling to explain why he was late. It's the little stuff that destroys our marriages. I'm working on not letting the little stuff destroy my relationship. I'm trying to deploy our big stuff tactic on the little stuff... I'm gonna take a deep breath, love him, and move on... little stuff or big stuff. There's a million reasons I love him. Those reasons are way more important than those few things that get on my nerves.  Little or Big, He's mine and I am his. We love each other first. And that's the really Big Stuff.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8