Sometimes, I take his boots off....

So, this past week there have been two blog posts that have sparked my interest. The first was by a man who's bloggy title claimed my wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink. The second was by a woman from a drastically different point of view and can be viewed here. The second article implored women not to be a "butt hole" wife and to stop nagging their husbands about the little things. The former blog was written by a man and implored other men to pay attention to their wives needs. For instance, if it is important to your wife for you to put your dish in the dishwasher, the author implores you to do that lest you lose her. In contrast the "butt hole wife" has lost her husband to untimely death and in hindsight she implores other women NOT to fuss and nag about the simple things like clothes left in the floor or dishes left by the sink. Both authors of both blog-posts have valid points that are exaggerated by their individual situations of divorce and widowhood.

I happen to agree with both of the authors. This may be why I took his boots off tonight.

You see, I have been married for the majority of my adult life. The first marriage was forced and hard and young and it didn't last long despite my best efforts. I decided that whenever I married again I was going to be a better wife.

Being a better wife doesn't sacrifice my feminism. It doesn't make me "less"... in fact, i believe it makes me better. I know all the feminists are gonna roll their eyes at that one and that's ok. I take great joy in making my husband happy. I take pride in making his day better when he walks into the door. I don't bombard him with complaints about what is going wrong in my world. I greet him with a smile and ask him how his day has been. Because i'm there to listen to him he doesn't care if supper isn't ready yet. He doesn't care if the house isn't in perfect order. He sees me being there for him and because of that he is there for me. He understands my struggles as a stay at home mom and I understand his struggles as the sole provider for a family of five. We have each others back. We are a team. We work at this partnership together.

So, back to the original purpose of this post....

Occasionally he leaves clothes on the floor and occasionally he leaves a dish by the sink. He's  not perfect. Sometimes I fuss about these things. But mostly I pick up the clothes and i put the dishes in the dish washer and I keep my mouth shut. This may enrage some of you, but I would like to remind you that you are not in my marriage and you do not live my life. For me, I clean up because he does all the work. I stay at home and i keep the house while he works  sometimes 16 hour days and pays the bills. My situation and the situation of those blog authors are probably completely utterly different.

That is why it is so important not to let a blog post decide where you should be in your own marriage.

Marriage is a unique process shared between only you and your spouse and God. Nothing that you are going through should ever be subject to criticism from anyone besides yourself, your spouse and our God Almighty. If your spouse is nagging you excessively or making you feel inferior for not completing a specific task my best advice is to first off be upfront with your spouse. So many times do we bottle things up and grumble over the dishes or the clothes on the floor and never let our mates know until it bubbles over into an argument. Be honest with each other. If that doesn't help, seek the advice of a Christian Counselor. Do not give up on a marriage before you diligently seek God's help in the matter. 

But before any of that happens.... take his boots off. He fell asleep in the recliner as you were getting the kids to bed and you tried to wake him up. He wouldn't wake up so you could storm off to bed, mad as heck, and leave him there to fend for himself. OR... you could take off his boots... cover him up with a warm blanket, kiss him on the cheek and tell him goodnight.

If leaving the dishes by the sink or leaving your clothes in the floor bothers her, make an  effort to show her that you understand that it matters to her and do not do it anymore.

My whole rebuttal to both of those viral blog posts is that all you need to do is respect your spouse. God calls us to be submissive unto each other. Love for each other requires us to be permissible of each other. Our faults are to be accepted or lovingly corrected by our spouse. We should never nag or demean the other party into bowing into our will.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your husband, as is fitting in the Lord. Husband's love your wives and do not be harsh with them." Colossians3:18-19

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which He is the Saviour.Now as the church submits to Christ so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:21-24

But WAIT there's more!




"Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all no one ever hated their own body but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does for the Church." Ephesians 5:25-29

My point is that I care for my husband because God compels me to care for him. He cares for me because God compels him to care for me. I pick up his clothes if he happens to leave them on the floor without harsh words because that's what God wants me to do. He deals with my inefficiencies whatever they may be (and there are quite a few I assure you) with out harsh words because that's the husband God commands him to be. This works in our marriage. It keeps us strong when times are rough and it keeps us happy when times are sad.

I take his boots off because he is tired and because I love him. He'd take my boots off if the position was reversed. That's what makes a marriage happy. 

33 Things Worth Remembering in 33 Years

33 years. It's hard for me to believe. 33 seemed old when I was a kid. It was almost unreachable. Now here I am with three kids, one who's taller than I am now. I feel like time is slipping through my hands. When they were little the days were so long and I longed for some time just to sit and think.... now it seems I have more and more quiet times and I miss their toddler giggles.

I am 33 today. And I guess I'm a little sad.

So since it's my birthday I've been thinking all day about stuff that I've learned and things that I want to teach my children. They will roll their eyes if I read this to them now. So why not make a list and leave it here in cyberspace for future reference. Maybe one day they'll look me up and read what I write and it will make more sense to them. Happy birthday to me. Here's 33 things that I've learned were important in my 33 years....

1.  Listen to your mother. My mother is usually right about stuff. She'll love this one, but it's true. She told me not to take my whole allowance to school in the 7th grade (I ignored her and my wallet got stolen). She told me to dress like a lady and not wear the black lacy bra under the white button up shirt (I ignored her and ended up pregnant). She's told me many things about raising my own children and although I still hate to admit it, she's usually right.
2. Answer the phone when your grandmother calls. Even if you are in the season of life that makes you think that you don't have time to talk to a crazy old lady... No One is THAT busy. Stop what you are doing and talk to the woman who loves you more than anything else in her world. She won't be there forever. You'll desperately want to talk to her one day and she won't be there to answer.
3. Read to you children while they are young enough to love it. This is another one of those things that Mama told me to do. See number one. I'm on my last baby now. She still lets me read, but she's learning to take the book away and read on her own. I do the voices better. I like to hear her giggle. 
4. Nothing good happens after midnight. Ever. Even as an adult. Come home. It's not worth it, take my word on this.
5. Read your Bible. Even when you don't feel like it. Even when you are tired or you are busy or you feel like you have better things to do. Read it and cherish it. I promise you won't be sorry.
6. Learn to cook. It's not hard and it's not beneath you. It's therapy. It will make you happy to feed your family something that only you can cook. When they refuse someone else's recipe because it's just not like yours, you will be happy.
7. Don't take marriage lightly. It's not always about fairytale love. Marriage is a responsibility. It's a hard job but it is worth the effort. Don't give up on your spouse.
8. To my sons: Respect women. Open doors for them, walk them to their doors, respect their boundaries, treat them like ladies. Take your hat off at the dinner table. 
9. Put the phone down. You are not that important. I am actively trying to work on this and I hope that when my children remember me in their youth they don't remember trying to win my attention away from my cell phone. 
10. Play. Get outside and throw a Frisbee. Play fetch with the dog. Play tag or chase. Make someone giggle.
11. Learn to express yourself. Sing, write, play an instrument... do something that makes you happy and gives you self worth. Take time for yourself and always seek to make yourself a better person.
12. Accept that you are not perfect. You will never be perfect none of us are. There will always be someone out there that does something better than you. Accept that, rise to the challenge, or accept it.
13. Never forget where you came from. Be proud of your home. Never shy away from your roots. People will try to make you feel ashamed of being southern, or country, or back woods. They are wrong. Never let them make you feel ashamed. Be proud.
14. Learn to admit when you are wrong. Do not carry grudges. It's not worth the headache or the anxiety. It's so much more pleasant to get along with people. 
15. Don't post anything on social media unless you want it to follow you for the rest of your life. That includes your snaps and vines and tweets that you think I don't know about now. I know. I'm watching.
16. Love your siblings. They'll be your best friends when you are older. Make time for them now. Make memories together. 
17. Go to church. Even when you don't want to. Even when you stay out too late on Saturday night. Even when you have small children of your own. Even when you are in college or newly married. Find a church and go to church. The church will be your family when your own family is not around. Going to church will keep you centered and focused on where you should take your life. Go to church.
18. Don't procrastinate. It's so much better to plan and have things done on time. Don't wait until the last minute for the school or work project. 
19. Sing at the top of your lungs in the car whenever you can. When you have children they will cry and hold their hands over their ears and beg you to stop. Don't stop. Sing louder.
20. Always keep someone in your life that holds you accountable, that encourages you, that isn't afraid to bring you back to reality. (See number 16.)
21. Self control is important. Be it food or alcohol or work or TV or video games. Learn to tell yourself no and to stop yourself from over indulgence. Everything in moderation. (something I'm still working on)
22. Don't swear. It isn't funny and it certainly isn't cute. It doesn't make you seem cool. It makes you seem shallow and rude and it makes other people uncomfortable. 
23.  Read books. Read the ones your English teachers tell you to read. Read as many of the classics as you can. Never stop reading.
24. Don't rush into physical intimacy. You are young. You only have one first kiss. Don't waste it on some jerk that will make you shudder when you think back on it in the future. Boys don't be the jerk that makes some girl shudder when she thinks back on you. You are very, very, young and no matter what your friends are saying it's not that good when you are a teenager and it is worth it for you to wait until you can share it with your God called partner. 
25. Never get a credit card. NEVER EVER EVER get a credit card. If you don't have the money for it, don't buy it. If you wouldn't ask someone you love to loan you the money for it, you don't need it. If you can go a month without it, you don't need it. Never, ever, get a credit card. 
26. Never use tobacco.Don't smoke it, dip it, or chew it. It's gross in any form.
27. Don't do drugs. They destroy families and they destroy lives. They, too, are gross... I'm paying good money for your dental hygiene... don't smoke something that will mess that up.
28. Get a job that makes you happy. Don't stay in a job that makes you miserable. Seek Godly counsel in your career. However, if you are in a job that you don't like, do it with a joyful heart and always do your best work. 
29. Go to college. I worked through community college with two babies in diapers. There is no excuse for not getting an education. 
30. Take time, every day, and pray. Spend time alone, just you and God and seek His guidance in your life. Prepare yourself to be a witness to others. The time you spend with God every day will help you with this.
31. Get a dog.... or a cat. Always have a companion that depends on you and makes your life better.
32. Be adventurous. Be braver than I have been. Take trips and risks and do crazy stuff that I would never do because I want you to be twice as brave as I ever hoped to be. Just be sure to call me and tell me all about it. 
33. Have cake on your birthday. Make sure your kids always have cake on their birthdays. Make one day a year all about you and make it special every single time.

I'm sure I could think of more. I hope that some of these have already been ingrained in my children's memories. I want to raise happy, healthy, educated, respectful, Christian adults... that's all I want for any of my birthdays. Here's to year 33. 

Concerning the Author

I'm torn.

Life as a "Mommy Blogger" might be "just fine." But somehow I want more.... I'm drawn to be the political blogger, the religious blogger, the family blogger and the comedic blogger. I just don't know which blogger I want to be right now.

So I choose to be ALL bloggers. You don't know what you will get with me. I'm like that in real life too for those of you that know me.

Which brings to mind the fact that, not all of you know me. Not all of you know me. I'm a stranger. So let me tell you a thing or two about me.... (see below)

I'm Heddy (aka Heather). I've had that nickname as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl I stayed with my Granny a lot. Granny was my mother's mother. She lived in an apartment adjacent to our house. I could tap on my bedroom wall and she would tap back anytime I needed her. We had our own form of Morse Code.

When I wasn't tapping on my wall I was at her house. She kept her fridge stocked with soda's and candy bars. She kept her bread box stocked with bacon cheddar fries, cheeze-n-crackers and more candy bars. We never wanted for junk-food when we were at granny's house. This is probably the reason I can be a Curvy Girl Blogger as well.

Am  I still confused about my identity? You would think that by now I would know who I am. Maybe I'm a healthcare blogger.... no.... I've been out of that for a while. I don't feel like i should alienate my self with the 'mommy blog' title. I just don't know yet what describes me.

I am an almost 32 year old mother of three blogger. You can do the math. My oldest is almost 14 years old. He's an angel. Maybe I could be the teenage mother success story blogger. I had my second  child two years later... Maybe that makes me the "I'm on the fast track to life blogger." My third child is a feisty curly headed product of my second marriage. She keeps me on my toes and she WILL be the cause of ALL my gray hairs. Maybe that makes me a mommy daughter blogger, or try for second love blogger. I could also review netflix selections for a blog, or maybe just write about how I longed for a vacation home.

But that doesn't really tell who I am either. That tells the mommy blog followers who I am. I am also a registered nurse. I worked hard for that title despite the fact that my marriage was falling apart at the time. I'm a stay at home mom now. I worked hard for that title too. It's an achievement in my opinion. I found a husband who could support my ambitions to be able to stay at home and raise my kids. I know at any moment I can go back to work. I also know that, if the opportunity presents itself I can run for office. I can go back to school, I can teach school, I can do WHATEVER I want to do right now. I graciously thank my husband for that and I'm not ashamed of being grateful.

First and Foremost I am a Christian, I'm opinionated, talented, creative, honest, intelligent, hard working, faithful, fair.  All of that is by the grace of God. I'm also a civil rights advocate living in the middle of a civil rights battleground. I hope that I am fair minded and thoughtful when it comes to political issues. I am staunchly Libertarian as long as being Libertarian doesn't mean that I have to staunchly be anything. I am strongly opinionated in my beliefs whether you like them or not. I will agree with you as long as you successfully prove to me that you are right. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong as long as I have been proven to be wrong.

I'm new to the blog-o-sphere but I can guarantee you that I will talk about my family. I will talk about my religion. I promise to talk about my political beliefs. I also promise to talk about any social/ethical/economic issues that come to mind. I'm not promising to be your favorite blog, but i promise that I will try.

I am me and only me and I hope that's enough for you.

Almost Valentine's Nine Years Later.....

Nine years ago, about right now (to the minute) I was driving home from the most confusing first-date of my life. It was "almost Valentine's Day". The day before when sad couples that can't get sitters; or even sadder couples that are cheating on one or both of their other parties go out for a "romantic" night. We met for dinner, we laughed and talked. He wore a ball cap the whole time (which totally turned me off) and it didn't look like he had shaved in a week. I on the other hand had shaved, had my hair done, bought new make up and a new outfit... My shoes were killer stilettos that KILLED my feet. He didn't seem to notice.

My back up "do you have an emergency" caller called and I told her no it was going great, I didn't have an emergency. After dinner we rode around town a little and ended up driving by my favorite night spot in town and I asked him if he wanted to go in for a little while. He said....... NO. NO?!? What the heck??? He said he better get back to pine hill (wherever that was). It was late (8:15) and he better not stay too long (uhmmmm... okay??). We said good night and I drove home.

Driving home, I'm thinking, "he's just not that into me. I'm a mature enough woman to see the signs. Obviously he wants something different." After many other excuses, I emailed him (yes, email, cause i'm a giant social chicken) the next day and told him we weren't going to work out. Nice knowing him and what not. I thought that was it, but a week later I couldn't find anyone to go out with on my birthday and I called him, what have I got to lose, right?!? Turns out he was ticked and he really did like me but he was just a gentleman and didn't think it was appropriate to stay out too late on a first date. After a little convincing on my part he agreed to see me again.

We met for the second first date at my favorite nightspot and he had shaved, he had his hair cut, no ball cap, and he had on nice clothes.... I on the other hand had not put a thought into what I had on except to appear as uncaring as humanly possible. We danced and laughed and talked and talked and the rest is history. I am so glad that I went to eat with him on Feb 13 and I am so glad that I was lonely on my birthday and called him back and convinced him to see me again! I love this man (it's Jason if you hadn't guessed) and will love him for many more almost valentine's days even if he doesn't shave (he hardly ever wears a ball cap though, I won that one).

So here we are, nine years later. He's putting in a movie for Emily (part of their nightly routine). He'll follow by saying "Ummm-Ummm! Muahhh! Love you Pumkin!" He'll then wait for her to fall asleep, cut off her night lights, lock all the doors and cut out the fifty lights that I left burning when I went to bed. He's tired, he's worked all day (most days) but he still has time for me too. I adore this man. I'm so glad he answered the phone on my birthday.