Ten years and 160 pounds of Wisdom

So tonight I was scrolling through Facebook as I often do on a boring, stay-home Saturday night, and I come across an article from one of the news outlets that I subscribe to. The article was titled, "10 things I've learned after Extreme Weight Loss". Of course I clicked on it. I was expecting a story that reflected my own weight loss journey. What I found was a condescending twenty something that had no idea what she was talking about.

Maybe I'm being harsh. If I am, it is because I was that girl when I was 24. I lost 100 pounds in my 24th year. The Atkins craze had taken the nation by storm and I was equipped with a bitter divorce under my belt. I had the motivation and the means to lose five stone. It happened and I rode that coaster for a couple of years. It was wonderful. But life went on and I remarried and had another baby and reverted to my old habits. This girl that wrote this article writes about being single and avoiding the weight loss subject with dates. She/s in for a rude awakening when marriage and baby comes her way.

Or maybe she isn't. I hope to goodness she continues on her path to healthy living. The thing that bothered me is how much she focused in her article about how others perceived her and how men especially treated her differently. I see that in my life now that I've lost weight but it doesn't define me. What makes me feel good now is what I see in MY mirror. Not what others see when they look at me. I, frankly, do not give a damn what anyone else sees when they look at me. I know how my body feels and I know how much work I've done in the gym. I know I'm on the right path. I don't care what anyone else thinks about my size. 

She was also very vocal about how she achieved her weight loss "on her own" without drastic measures such as bariatric surgery or fad diets. She said it as if the two go hand in hand. As if having one's stomach surgically altered was as simple as subscribing to a boxed meal service such as nutrisystem. I've got news for this young lady. I lost 100 pounds when I was your age. I gained 150 pounds back. Talk to me when you are 35 and you have a few kids out of that uterus. It's different. You won't be so smug about weight loss surgery when you have tried every "diet" and exercise program under the sun but you still only yo-yo through the same 30-40 pounds. It's especially frustrating when you have 80 or 100 to lose.  The fourth decade of life is a monster. It doesn't allow you to just "decide" to lose weight. The fourth decade requires you to WORK for your weight loss. And even that may not be enough... some times it requires surgical intervention. 

And there is NOTHING WRONG with surgical intervention. NOTHING! It's a step that you take when you feel like you are totally hopeless. Surgery is a step that you take when you have tried EVERYTHING with out reward. Surgery is a step that you take when you realize that you are going to die from this disease called obesity. It is not a step you take lightly. It is a step that you cry about the night before surgery because you fear that you may not see your children again. But it's also a step that you take so that you WILL have many more happy days with your children. It is a step that you take to promise your kids that there will be no more days of mommy on the couch; no more days where mommy asks you to bring her stuff because she's to heavy and lazy to get up and get it herself. No more days where mommy sits back and watches you play instead of getting up and playing with you. 

The girl talked about dating and hiding her weight loss from prospective mates. She is wrong. I was totally up front with my husband about my struggles with my weight. He married me knowing that I was a recovering fat girl. He stayed with me when my struggles  became reality. He supported all of my diet and exercise struggles. He was by my side after all of my failures. He fully supported me when I decided that surgery was my best hope at beating this disease. He encouraged me when I regretted my decision, he rejoices with me when I celebrate my victories. He might not feel the same had I pretended that I was never fat before we met. I don't know, maybe he would have. But that's not a chance I was ever going to take with a potential life partner. He deserved to know all of me.... the bad and the good, the fat and the skinny. And he accepted me regardless.

I wish I could reach out to this young lady. I would like to congratulate her on her journey so far. Losing 100 pounds is a monumental achievement regardless of whether you do it with surgery or without. I wish I could counsel her on how to deal with her food issues in a healthy way that would prevent her from falling back into her old habits like I did. Mostly, I would counsel her to be supportive of anyone on this weight loss journey. No matter how you get to your goal you are working toward being a better person. There is no shame in your game be it surgery, or nutrisystem, or weight watchers, or a personal trainer. It's all about beating this food addiction and becoming healthy again. I wish I could teach her how important it is for other people to hear positive reinforcement rather than scoldings for not doing the weight loss in the way that she believes to  be the "right way".

I wish I could introduce her to 24 year old Heather, and then fast forward to 34 year old Heather... The 34 year old that was trapped under almost 200 pounds of flab. I don't think she would ever understand the emotions and struggles that went into the decision for that Heather to go to a weight loss surgery clinic. You never know until you have been there. I would tell her not to judge a book she has yet to read.

WLS Journal Part 10: Surviving Vacation Food and a Non-Scale Victory

Big news this week. I hit my first major goal weight. Yesterday morning I stepped on the scale and saw 250.0. I have not seen those numbers since my youngest child was a toddler. It feels SO good. 84 pounds gone forever. What feels even better was that this number presented itself to me after 11 days of vacationing in the Smoky Mountains and celebrating the 4th of July holiday with family and friends. 

"How was your vacation? Where did y'all eat?" That pretty much sums up how important food is to an average vacation in the south. I was pretty nervous about this going into our trip. Food is still fun and important to the rest of my family. I didn't want to be the stick in the mud that chugs a protein shake and says, "lets not go out tonight, let's all stay here and eat nuts and cheese." This is my life now. They live with the nuts and cheese girl every night of their lives... when they are on vacation they want the old Heather back. 

So, I had to stuff the new healthy me back into her shell for a little while and go out to eat practically every night for seven nights straight. It was a huge learning experience for me. I've eaten out several times since surgery but usually at restaurants that I know. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to eat before I walk through the door. This wasn't the case in the life of "lets drive around until we see something good." But, I survived.

Here's a few things I learned:

1. Order water, or no beverage at all. It saves you money on the bill and you aren't going to drink it anyway so get the free. When you don't order a drink you get a crazy look from the server so I just get water and let it sit.
2. Ask about the kids menu. Some places seriously don't mind if you order a child's plate. If it's in giant bold type on the menu that child prices are ONLY FOR CHILDREN UNDER 10 WITH BIRTH CERTIFICATES or whatever then, no, don't even go there. Some places are more reasonable than others and you just kind of get the vibe. Downside to kids plates is that typically they are the most unhealthy things on the menu. I don't want chicken strips and fries. So usually I order the grown up plate and expect to take it with me. 
3. Skip the salad if you order a big entree. I know salads are healthy but if you waste your three bites on leafy greens then your spouse is going to be really mad that you ordered that $40 steak. 
4. Order the best cut of meat on the menu. If you only get three bites make them count. 
5. Portions are HUGE. Don't comment to the rest of your dining companions about how much they are eating. On a related note, don't order the salad off the dinner menu because they literally bring you enough to feed you for three weeks.
6. Slow down. Seriously. Restaurants, especially in touristy places, want to rush you out the door so they can make room for the next patrons. Don't let them do this. Chew til you are tired of chewing and put your fork down between bites. They'll wait. Your family will wait. Enjoy your meal but don't rush.
7. Skip the chips at the Mexican place. 
8. Try not to push your leftovers on your spouse. It's hard but you don't want them to overeat just because you can't anymore. Get the to go box and enjoy your meal another time or two after you leave.
9. Trust your pouch. Your tummy is designed to restrict your eating. Don't try to eat around your restriction. Don't drink with meals. Listen to your body and let your new tummy do it's job.
10. Protein first, always. If you want to splurge on a bite of something Carb-filled and delicious you can, but always eat your chicken, beef, fish, or pork first. 

I didn't always abide by my own advice, but I know now what to expect the next time. I took protein filled snacks with us everywhere we went. The kids and husband enjoyed them just as much as I did. They didn't miss the chips and chex mix that usually accompany our road trips. I packed my protein shakes and had one every morning to stay ahead of the cravings. It wasn't as bad as I worried it would be. 

A bonus to the location of our vacation was that it was centered on getting out and moving. We hiked, tubed in the rivers, swam in the mountain creeks, we did a LOT of walking and I was able to do all of those things because of this surgery and the weight loss that followed. 

My journey so far... from 314 pounds on the left to 250 pounds on the far right.  Always document your journey with photos, you won't regret it.

I have to share we were at a river near Townsend, TN. We had been there for a few hours and were sitting to dry off before we left. I watched a family come down the bank to the rocky beach area and couldn't help but notice the mom bringing up the rear. She was obese. She was cautious about every step. She couldn't keep up with her family and in their excitement they had left her behind. They jumped from rock to rock as they looked for their perfect place to unload their gear. She started to follow them but as she stepped up on the first rock she groaned with what I'm assuming was knee pain. She stepped back down and called for them to go on without her. She put down her towel and sat there, out of breath. She watched her family from afar as they laughed and played. She took pictures and was in none of them. She had on a swimsuit under her cover up but she never took off the cover. She smiled at her kids and her husband but I could see the sadness and regret behind the smile.

I noticed all of this because this woman was me a year ago. I was the mother that watched from the safe spot because I didn't trust my gigantic body to be able to make it out to where the action was. I was hidden under a hot cover up because I was ashamed and worried about what everyone else would think if I took it off. I don't want to miss out on life anymore because of what this disease called obesity does to my body. I'm going to fight every day to not be the mom that can't get out with her kids. 

My husband and I this year versus our anniversary trip to the mountains two years ago. We have lost a combined total of 150 pounds since the pic on the right. I couldn't have ever come as far as I have without his support and encouragement along the way.

On a lighter note after all that fun and food and laziness that vacation brings I came home and weighed in 3.5 pounds lighter, even after the holiday weekend. I probably could have lost more if I had been more diligent about exercising and what I was eating but I'm claiming it as a win. 250 has loomed out of my reach for so many years and now I can't wait to NEVER see it on the scale again. Onederland (for those of you that aren't in the WLS community that's what we call weighing in less than 200s) is in my sites and I can't wait!!

WLS Journal Part 9: 11 Things NOT to Say to A WLS Patient

From the start of this journey I've experienced lots of different reactions from people when they find out that I've had surgery. Most of them are positive. There are a few that do not approve of the surgical option. A lot of people are just generally uncomfortable talking about someone else's weight problem. It's like they know you're heavy but hearing you say "I'm tired of being fat." mortifies them because you are almost literally addressing the elephant in the room. Anyway, along my journey I've had some comments that I found funny or hurtful and I thought I would share with you. 

Things NOT to say to a Weight Loss Surgery Patient.

1. "You look great. I hope you can keep it off this time." I know that sounds like something really nice to say. And it was a really nice thing... until you added the "this time" to it. Believe me, no one is more frustrated with my failed diet attempts up to this point than I am. I am quite aware of my past failures and yo-yo dieting. I know all too well what it has done to my body. I don't need you to be passive aggressive and remind me under the veil of a compliment. I'm not trying to be snotty but the "this time" sounds like you don't expect me to succeed and when I know that you don't expect it, it just hurts.
2.  "I would love to have the surgery but I can't make myself do it (or can't afford it, or am not brave enough). I guess I will have to lose my weight the hard way." Really? Because having a major operation where they remove 80% of my stomach sounds easy to you? Because I recognize that my eating disorder was so severe that the only option to help save my life was to have to physically alter my anatomy to the point that I could hurt myself if I overeat? That sounds easy to you? I will be the first to admit that the weight has come off faster and steadier than any diet I've ever tried. It hasn't been as hard for me as it is for some people. I have friends that vomit every single day because their new stomach is super sensitive. There is a lady in a support group that I'm a member of that has to be tube fed now because she had a bad surgeon and started leaking after surgery. She nearly died. I cried the night before because I was worried something would go wrong and I wouldn't see my kids again. It was never an easy decision. It was the hardest most prayed over decision I have made about my health. It's been a hard journey retraining my mental game with food. It's been hard to get up and work out on days that I don't feel like it. It's been hard to go out to eat and really want to finish a meal but not being physically able to. It's a constant battle with my mind over what it wants versus what my body can have. I've been lucky that my outcomes have been so good so far, but easy is not a word that I would use to describe it. 
3. "How much weight have you lost?(insert my reply) "That's amazing, how much more do you want to lose?" Just ask me how much I weighed before surgery. You know you want to. I don't mind telling you. I'll tell the world. I have to own up to how big I once was so that I will never get to that point again. But when you don't ask directly... when I can see you adding the numbers I tell you up in your head it's uncomfortable. It's a little funny to me too, because I'm one person that doesn't hold any of that back. I'm sure there are others that do feel ashamed of their high weight and for this reason, just don't follow up with the second question. 
4. "You look so pretty now!" Thanks. I'm sorry I was such a fat ugly troll before. (honestly, I don't think that every time but on a snarky day I do.) Once again the solution is to just stop talking. Don't add the "now". Just leave it at "you look so pretty" and we are both happy.
5. "I would have surgery but I just like food too much." Because I got to 334 pounds because I hate food? And it's not like I can't have food anymore. I still get to eat. I just am learning to eat like a normal person eats. It's that simple. We all like food too much, that's why so many adults are obese now. 
6. "Be careful which doctor you choose, my _____ had that surgery and she died." This is mainly for the pre-op stage. Yes this surgery can be dangerous (see #2). But for me, I always ask follow up questions to the so-and-so died story. First, I ask when she had surgery... it's usually pre-1985. Old school, open gastric bypass. That was over 30 years ago. Doctors still smoked in the hallways of hospitals in 1985. The gastric bypass surgery of 1985 was totally different than the surgery today. And I'm not even having gastric bypass. Then I have to go into how my surgery is different. And usually this isn't even from someone that I know. This is the type warning I get from a lady that notices I'm buying protein shakes in Wal-Mart and feels led to warn me about aunt Eunice that had a bad bypass in 1983. Now, don't get me wrong. I extensively researched this surgery. I researched my doctor, and the hospital that he used. I knew every symptom of every possible complication. I put my nurse brain to work and I was prepared. I was probably more prepared than the average patient but that's just because of my medical knowledge. Regardless, I know people die of complications of surgery, but just because a friend of a friend of yours had a bad outcome does not mean that everyone else will.
7. "Are you gonna trade your husband in for a new one when you get skinny?" This one really made me laugh. The answer is no. No other words for this one... just no.
8. "Did you ever try diet and exercise before?" You mean I could have dieted and lost weight? I never knew? Why didn't you tell me that before I let that crazy doctor cut my stomach out? ........ Are you kidding me? Stop.
9. "What do you eat? (Usually followed by "well I might just try to eat exactly that and see how much I lose")" Go for it. I mean if I could have stuck to my tiny portion sizes before I might not have been in the mess I was. I struggle to get 800 calories a day, even with nutritional supplements added in. It's not a diet for the faint of heart. I don't know many that could stick with this regimen without the physical restriction that surgery provides. Go for it and let me know if you still think this is an easy way out. 
10. "Better not gain it all back." I'm so glad you told me that because that was exactly what I was planning to do. If it hadn't been for your warning, I was gonna pack every pound back on. Thank you for warning me! I don't know what I would do without friends like you........ Come. ON. 
11. "Are you supposed to eat that?" This one is tricky. I don't mind if my husband tells me this as I pop a chip in my mouth. He's in this with me. He is keeping me grounded and on track. But when I have one tiny smidge of pie on my plate and some one at the party that knows I've had surgery, but doesn't really know me that well says it? That's a different story. I'm not telling you what to eat. What gives you the idea that you have the right to tell me? 

I know there are probably other things that I could add to this list, but you see my point. As I said before, there has been so much encouragement in my life these days. It almost makes it easier to pick out the things that bug me because I've heard so little of these. If you have someone in your life that is considering this surgery just be there for them. Offer your support. Ask them gently if they want to talk about their fears and their hopes. Compliments are always appreciated just be sure to keep your own doubts and judgements from showing through. I can't speak for everyone but I can assure you that this is one of the most emotional and rewarding journeys of my life. I'm loving the changes that I'm seeing but I'm mourning the loss of my old coping mechanisms. It helps to hear encouraging words. It's also really helpful to have a sense of humor and I hope that some of that shows through the list above. Thanks for reading! If you are a WLS patient I would love to hear some personal stories of your own encounters in the comments!

WLS Journal Part 8: Three months already???

Haven't posted an update in a while. Since the kids have been out of school there's not a lot of quiet time to gather my thoughts. I'm still making good progress. I've lost 80 pounds total. Sixty pounds since my surgery date. My current weight is 254. I have lost 12.5 inches in my waist. I'm in a size 18 pants now, down from a size 26. I feel amazing. 

Summer has created some kinks in my schedule. We keep a really laid back lifestyle in the summer. We sleep late in the mornings now. My workouts were typically done after I sent the kids to school in the mornings, so there has been a big adjustment in my routine. We do swim every day and I'm no longer the fat girl that is scared to be seen playing with my kids in the water. I get off the float and I swim laps and play in the water with the kids. We ride bikes in the evenings and take walks together. It's fun to see them be more active because they see me being more active. I'm still able to get in three or four good hour plus workouts a week, and for now that seems to be enough. When i don't have much time, I just try to get a good 20 minute walk in.

I'm losing hair.  It's a pretty decent little ball that comes out everyday in the shower. Nothing like hair loss that chemo patients have. It's just a steady thinning every day. It is coming out evenly though, so that's much better than having a bald spot. I've lost probably 50% of my volume. It's not the end of the world. I really thought I would be more upset about it than I am. I have a new confidence that helps me cope. I don't really believe that there is any magic combination of protein and vitamins that stops your hair from falling out. It's just the consequence of the rapid weight loss. I'm diligent about taking my MVI, biotin, b-complex vitamins, calcium, and I get 80 to 100 grams of protein every day. I don't know what else I can do but ride it out and hope that it stops before I'm bald. It will grow back, eventually.

I'm also having a hard time with food burnout. I still enjoy food, don't get me wrong. I just have a hard time planning meals for myself. I'm constantly pinning new recipes and watching food prep videos for ideas, but those rarely make it into my kitchen. My go to meal is chicken. I need more variety. I'm almost at the point where I'd rather not eat anything than eat the same things over and over. It's also easy to make a pasta dish or casserole for the rest of the family and just eat a bag of tuna or something. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but I think this is a common problem.

I had to start taking Prilosec. I never had acid reflux before this surgery. I tried to take zantac for it but it didn't work. A few nights I woke up wheezing because I had inhaled acid. It's so painful. I never knew how painful it was before. I had never really experienced it before. What I thought was heartburn was nothing compared to this. I was leery about starting prilosec because there are so many adverse effects for long term use but I couldn't avoid it. The good news is that the stuff works. I'm sleeping much better and haven't had an acid attack since I started it.

Didn't mean for this to be such a negative post. There are so many positives in my life too. I do not have one single regret about my decision to have this surgery. My high blood pressure is CURED. My lower leg edema is GONE. My joint pain is GONE. I don't wake up groaning any more. My aches and pains are nothing compared to before. I feel amazing. I can see muscles in my arms and legs that I've never seen before. Even when I was at this weight in the past I wasn't half as strong as I am now. 

I go for my three month follow up on Wednesday. It will be wonderful to stand under that Alabama Weight Loss Surgery sign and have my first "after" picture taken. My personal goal was to get to 175 pounds... so I'm officially halfway to my goal weight. It feels so good to be able to say that!

This is the most recent comparison photo I have. Been a week or two since the pic on the right was taken. It's always satisfying to see my profile shrinking though!

WLS Journal Part 7: Hard weeks Happen

This has been my hardest week by far. I hit my lowest weight in five years last week. I was happy. How do you normally celebrate a big accomplishment? I don't know about the rest of the world but around here we celebrate with food. We eat, drink and are merry.... that is until the shame of the Monday morning weigh in sets in. 

Thursday I weighed 268... Monday morning I weighed 272.4. Reality check for table one please. I attibute this gain to a few things... I ate pork twice this weekend. Ribs one night, butt the next. Pork and my mama's genetics for hypertension do not mix... lesson learned. Secondly, I didn't work out... not one day. Friday was busy and I didn't have time. Saturday, I was just plain lazy. Sunday, I was just plain lazy. I felt awful about it... Really, I did. But feeling awful, unfortunately, does not burn calories. Lastly, I fell back in to my old habits. I celebrated my four pounds right back on. For instance, Mother's Day was Sunday. I ate fried chicken, homemade mac and cheese, deviled eggs, potato salad... the whole southern spread. Granted, I didn't eat as much as I used to. I ate a fraction of what the old Heather would eat. But I ate more than what the new Heather should have. Plus, I topped it off with pound cake, ice cream and strawberries. Yes, I said pound cake. 

I realize my mistakes in there. I always have. The new Heather felt invincible going in to the mother's day celebration. The New Heather was working out and losing weight. The New Heather deserved a day off. The New Heather DESERVED POUND CAKE! 

I know it doesn't work that way but I sure wish it did. And since it doesn't the NEW heather is faced with a four pound gain in one weekend.

That would be fine... except for the next challenge that "the new Heather" must face... The End of the School Year.

Monday was ok... I had to take the oldest child to the doctor. He had fast food for lunch. I had a grilled chicken breast. I sent him away to school when we got home. I was too tired to work out. I cleaned house and picked up the middle and youngest. I was still depressed from the morning scale report.

Tuesday was field trip day with the youngest. Active day ahead. I packed my cooler full of water and protein supplement. I packed a protein bar in my purse. I was prepared. Lunch was provided. Lunch was a personal pan cheese pizza, gummy candy, and a coke.... a regular coke, not a water or a diet... just coke. Thanks. I ate my protein bar and drank my water, that I had artfully smuggled in via my purse. I politely refused my soda and gave my pizza to one of the especially hungry second grade boys. That was all fine and good until I wandered down to the first floor of the place and discovered a subway, a build a bowl salad workshop, and a smoothie station. Why weren't these places offered in the discount student pricing? Why do we insist on feeding our children and their parents processed crap that no one really needs in their bodies? Anyway, thank goodness for protein bars.... but.... the second part of the field trip did me in.

Krispy Kreme. That's the rally call for fat people everywhere. Krispy Kreme. It's melodious sound brings our blood sugars up with just the alliteration of the name. We pawn their sugary treats off in the name of fundraising. It's diabetes for a good cause. Krispy Kreme was our second grade class's second stop on the end of the year field trip. 

We were there to observe how an assembly line worked. This is good in theory. They have open access to the assembly line. However, the sugar starved second graders are much more interested in buying their donut from the counter than watching the donuts on the assembly line. It would be a much better lesson in economics than in production.

The Krispy Kreme field trip added an assorted dozen to my weight loss struggle. After that, a mom trip to Starbucks was added just for an extra dose of temptation. I succumbed to a Chocolate covered Kreme filled.... I refused a Starbucks calorie filled concoction. Felt like a half-win... not a total loss in other words.

The next day I woke up with a new resolve. It lasted until my neighbor called to invite me to a pizza by the pool lunch for another friend. I accepted the invitation and luckily there was salad to go with the pizza. Some one was thinking of my new bariatric life. I ate the pizza and survived... but none of this rich food was helping me get rid of that extra four pounds.

In the midst of all that celebrating I had not had time to work out. I learned early on that without sweat none of my weight loss was possible. This was affirmed during this week of celebrating. If I don't want to work, I will not lose. Take that, people that say this is the easy way out. It most certainly is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

To top it all off my hair is falling out. It's falling out in handfuls. They say it happens if you don't get enough protein. I am getting my protein. They say it happens if you don't take your biotin. I'm taking my biotin. I'm using expensive shampoo and not using my hair dryer excessively but still my hair is leaving at a rapid pace. I don't know what else to do but to wait until it starts to come back. Hell, I'd rather be healthy and skinny and bald than sick and fat  with a full head of hair. Bring it on, hair loss. I'm ready.

Today I weighed in at my lowest weight. It took me almost a week but here I am again. It wasn't an easy week. I was stressed, I was  moody, I was craving my favorite foods, I was sad that I couldn't have what I wanted, and I was depressed that I couldn't just be born skinny.

It was a hard week emotionally and I haven't even covered the tip of it... but I sit here tonight and I can see where I messed up and I can see where next time I will do better. I'm learning as I go and I am so pleased with how far I have come. I can only sit and look forward to where I will go from here. 

WLS Journal Part 6: Seven Weeks and Counting

Seven weeks ago today I was waking up from my sleeve gastrectomy. It has been a whirlwind since that day. I've lost 62 pounds from that day that I stepped on the scale and made up my mind to have surgery. I've lost 42 pounds in the 7 weeks since surgery. I'm still learning every day what I need to do but I just thought I would share the highlights so far.

I'm glad I wrote my previous entries before I had the operation. I honestly haven't had time to sit down and gather my thoughts since the surgery. It's crazy how much time I wasted before sitting on the couch, binge watching TV, and stuffing my face with crap. I planned my grocery trips around lunch time so that I could stop and get fast food on the way home. Some days I would go back to bed after the kids left for school and sleep until almost lunch time. I had zero energy. I hurt all over some days. My joints ached, my back hurt, I had this generalized malaise that was debilitating some days. My feet and legs would swell during the day and ache all night long keeping me awake most nights. 

Days after I started the pre-op liquid diet these symptoms began to subside. I went into surgery already feeling the beginnings of a new person. It was what got me through those hunger filled days of one liquid supplement after another. It felt good to detox my body of sugar and caffeine and other garbage that fills the tasty foods we love.

The first week following surgery was a learning process. I wasn't hungry at all. I had to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to sip water or eat a popcicle. The fourth day post I was so excited to be able to drink a protein shake again. I felt like I was ready for something with some calories and nutrients. This was the first and I think the only time that my new stomach has said "SLOW DOWN SALLY!" After one big gulp I knew that was it and I was done. I learned really quick to take it slow and listen to my body.

Adding foods back after the full liquid phase was easy. It didn't take long to find a routine and find foods that my stomach approved of. I do have to be very careful not to munch on chex mix, crackers, chips, etc. Those foods are referred to as "sliders" because they dissolve quickly after entering the stomach and you never feel the full feeling after eating those. I quickly removed most of these from my pantry. I'm still weak in the temptation department and I've found I just can't have those things around.

The funny thing is, the kids haven't noticed. They ate those things too because they were there. Since surgery the entire family has adapted to my new lifestyle. There's healthier things available for them now. My daughter eats a fruit salad after school instead of a bag of cheetos. My boys love the quick protein options that I keep on hand (boiled eggs, turkey, chicken, almonds, string cheese). I worried a lot about cooking meals for the whole family but that hasn't been a problem either. I enjoy cooking just as much as I ever did. I have modified our routine menu though. There's lots less fried chicken and pasta bakes and lots more baked and grilled lean meats and fresh veggie sautees. So far I haven't heard any complaints from my crew.

Exercise is essential for me. I'm sure some people can have this surgery and never sweat a drop but I am NOT one of those people. I didn't like getting off the couch to walk to the fridge before this surgery. Now, I am miserable when I don't get my work out in. I know, I used to roll my eyes when I heard people say stuff like that too. But, I'm telling you it's the truth. Exercise gets oxygen to all your tissues and promotes healing. Exercise also releases endorphins that mimic the ones that your body releases when you eat those foods that you love. When I have the munchies exercise helps curb those cravings. And when I have put in my work out for the day I don't feel so bad about a few extra calories. Our bodies were really truly made to move and I'm learning more about that every day. 

You can't go through this journey alone. Family support is critical. In the moments that I struggle with anxiety or body image issues it's so beneficial to be able to talk to my husband or my sisters or mother. They know exactly what I need to hear. The online support groups have also wonderful for me. There is one group that is strictly composed of people that had surgery within the same three month time frame of each other. It's so helpful to be able to talk to people going through the process at the same time as I am. I'm a two and a half hour trip from my doctors office so I haven't been able to attend the support group meetings there. I will warn, you have to be knowledgeable of your own doctor's recommendation when you are active in an online group. Just because someone in California is able to eat eggs and grits the first week does not mean that you should. When in doubt always contact your doctors office. 

Speaking of that, I can't say enough about how wonderful my doctor is. Any question I have I can send him a message on facebook and he responds within the hour. I've only had to take advantage of this service once or twice but it's awesome that he makes himself available to his patients like that. 

Pictures and measurements are SO important. There are days, like today in particular, that I feel pretty down. The scale hasn't moved as quickly as I want it to over the past week. I'm having some water retention probably hormonal but frustrating nonetheless. I take a profile pic every Tuesday and take measurements the same day. So when I bounce around a number on the scale I can look at those "before and after" pics and measurements and it's proof that I am making progress. It's so funny, I'll take the pic and my first response is "ugh, look at my belly." or " my arms are huge." But then I sit down with my phone and put it side by side with that picture from the day before surgery and I truly see how far I have come. It's crazy how much satisfaction there is in that, just knowing that your hard work is making a difference.

I have to remember that it took me 8 years to get to my highest weight. Part of your brain expects to see a difference the day you wake up from surgery. I know that's not how it works but a tiny part of you feels like it should be how it works. On the days that the scale hasn't moved I always ask myself if I have done what I'm supposed to do. If the answer is yes then I suck it up and move on. If the answer is no I change whatever I need to change to make the next day better. Everyone says "it's not a race"... and that may be true, but I choose to think of it as one of those endurance races. You have to pace yourself, listen to your body, and make the necessary adjustments along the way.

Above all, the most important thing that has gotten me through this journey so far is prayer. The liquid diet pre op was a struggle. Its the closest thing to a fast that I've ever done in my life. There's something to be said about overcoming the hunger and finding peace. In those moments of frustration, desperation, depression, anxiety, God is there for me. He hears my cries and he calms my spirit. He's there to celebrate my victories and fortify my resolve. This journey has tested and strengthened my faith and I'm so grateful for all that I have learned. On a lighter note, sometimes the only thing that can save you from a Poundcake is to whisper the name of Jesus. He hears the cries of His people from the big things to the little things.  Romans 8:26 is one of my favorites, "In the same way the Spirit joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings."

The response to my journal of this process has been overwhelming. Friends, new and old, have reached out to me with their own struggles or support and it has fortified my spirit immensely. Thank you so much for all your sweet and encouraging comments. 

WLS Journal Part 5: Surgery Day

Well, here I am. 

I just posted all the previous blogs that I had been holding on to. I guess it's time to get everyone up to date. This post is technical and full of specifics for those that are interested.

My surgery was March 15 at Alabama Weight Loss Surgery Outpatient East.  Dr. Lee Schmitt performed my Sleeve Gastrectomy.

Sleeve gastrectomy is a relatively new surgery in the bariatric field. It was initially the first part of a two part surgery called a duodenal switch. The DS was a radical surgery that was reserved for the extremely morbidly obese. These people were not candidates for traditional gastric bypass because their liver was too enlarged. Doctors noted that they were losing weight at nearly the same weight as bypass patients with only half of the surgery performed so the sleeve gastrectomy became a surgery of it's own merit.

In Sleeve Gastrectomy 60-80% of the stomach is permanently removed. This reduces greatly the amount of food that can be ingested post surgery similar to traditional gastric bypass. The difference is that the pyloric sphincter at the bottom of the stomach is left functional and the anatomy of the GI tract is left undisturbed. This prevents the undesirable dumping syndrome from which traditional bypass patients suffer.

I chose this surgery because I didn't want to get ill if i decided to eat a bite of my favorite foods. I chose this surgery because I wanted to lose weight at a slower, more natural weight. I chose this surgery because I wanted my digestive tract to stay plumbed the way it was designed to be. 

My surgeon decided that I was an excellent candidate for Outpatient Sleeve Gastrectomy. I was young, I had no serious co-morbidities, and I was knowledgeable of the surgical procedure and the postoperative expectations. 

I arrived at the surgical center at 6:30 the day of surgery. I checked in and was sent to a sort of triage station. Here, my history was reviewed and my vital signs were taken.

From there I went to my outpatient surgery room. IV was started, some meds were given and post op instructions were discussed. I went in to surgery at 10am. At 1215 I woke up in recovery. The pain was intense at this point. It's always intense when you wake up from anesthesia. They gave me meds and I went back to sleep.

I woke up back in the room I started in. My husband was there. I was hurting again so at this point they gave me Lortab Elixer. I had to swallow it. After a nanosecond's hesitation I gulped it and it didn't kill me suddenly so I felt like I was ahead of the game. 

What seemed like a half a minute later (but i think it was more like 30 minutes) the nurse came back to get me out of bed and walking. I had a drain from my largest incision. She assisted me into my shorts and I was able to tuck the drain into my waistband. At least I had the smallest dignity of not walking bare-butt down the hallway.

I walked. I was a little unsteady at first but I walked regardless. I didn't stop after one lap. I walked and walked. I had ice chips and I walked some more. The nurses oohed and ahhed at my endurance. I explained that I was a nurse too and that I knew that walking would get me out of there.

My plan worked. I was discharged at 4pm. We stayed in our RV near the hospital. I walked the campground that evening. Every time I got a twinge of pain I walked and if that didn't help I walked some more. I sipped water and crunched Ice chips that evening. I did not try to eat anything like broth or jello on the first night. I let my new tummy rest and I walked and I sipped.

I made it through the first night ok. I woke up a couple of times but a good dose of pain meds sent me back to my slumber. I saw the doctor first thing the next morning. He checked my incisions, they were all fine, and told the nurse to pull my drain. She jerked it out and it felt like she pulled my belly button out with it, but turns out it was just the drain. My belly button lives to fight another day. 

After the drain was pulled my pain went from about a "5" to a "1". I took one more dose of pain meds just because pain meds are fun but after that I was fine. Within 4 days I was back to my "normal". I was doing my regular household tasks, I was driving, I was cooking for my family.

It was a breeze. It was the easiest surgery I had ever had. All my presurgery worries were for naught. I hope if you are reading this and consider surgery you realize that my results may not be your results. I had an easy time but some have a harder time post op. 

The dietary requirements post op are discussed in detail at the preop nutrition meeting. I felt prepared in my post op days. My only recommendation is do not over purchase supplements and soups before surgery. My tastebuds changed dramatically after surgery. You don't want to be stuck with 48 vanilla protein shakes if vanilla shakes make you want to hurl. Also, listen to your body and take it slow. It's not a race to get better or advance to the next diet stage. You will get there when your body is ready.

I'm six weeks post now and I have lost 60 pounds since that day I stepped on the scale and decided to do something about my weight. I'm smaller now than I have been in 4 years. It's not easy. It wasn't the "easy way out" I'm working harder now than I've ever worked before. I will address that in a future post. If you're considering surgery.... Good luck. Make the decision for you and no one else. You are worth feeling healthy and happy. 

WLS Journal Part 4: History of My Addiction

March 10, 2015

March 15.

That's my surgery date. 

I'll be honest it freaks me out a lot. I LOVE food. Absolutely love it. I love that it makes me feel better when I'm feeling fat, ugly, sad, lonely, anxious, angry, happy, or bored. I love the way it smells. I love that full feeling I get from food. 

I'm not going in blind. I have cut all the carbs out of my diet since the day I got on the scale and saw my highest weight. I have started walking... not much of an exercise routine unless you are morbidly obese... I am morbidly obese. I've also started to deal with the emotional aspect of my eating disorder. It's funny writing that because people don't see obesity as an eating disorder. Anorexia, sure... put those poor souls in a rehab program... Obesity, tell those fatties to back away from the table. The general public is cruel and that's probably why obesity is one of the biggest killers.

But back to me.... I can't blame any particular family member or event from my past for my problems. I was a healthy happy kid. I do have some small triggers that have stood out to me in my reflective journey. I'm sharing those now in hopes that others may identify. I don't want to harm anyone by placing blame, I simply want to be honest and address my problem.

My pattern of self abuse via junk food started at a rather early age. My maternal grandmother had a host of her own anxiety/depression issues and she felt like she could reinforce our affection with sweet treats and salty snacks. Whatever we (my brother and I) wanted she would buy it. My mother limited the amount of sugar we ate.  It could have been because we couldn't afford all the prepackaged goodies on teacher's salaries or that she just didn't want us to have it; regardless, I do remember her trying to help us avoid it. Grannie, on the other hand, took advantage of the fact we couldn't get it from Mama and provided it in excess. She meant well. I'm sure after growing up the youngest of nine during the depression she didn't have the means to have those things as a child. Little Debbie and King Size Snickers bars was full on grandma spoilage and she took pride in it. I don't think badly of her for that. I just don't think it helped my emotional coping skills, or my pants size.

In the fifth grade I weighed 110 pounds. That's not super heavy for a girl that age, but it's more on the heavy side, especially in 1992.  We were the last kids that probably remember playing outside. We got our first game system in 1987. Computers and satellite tv came shortly after that. So now I had all the junk food that I could get and all the TV and video games that a girl could want. As a class project we made posters called "All about Me" ... these posters included our physical statistics. The teacher put us against a wall and measured our heights. She then put us on a scale and measured our weights. We wrote both down on the poster which was promptly colored and laminated and placed in the window for all to see. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, it wasn't a big deal until the boys noticed my weight. They also noticed my best friend's weight which was four pounds lighter than me. Instantly we became the butt of many jokes. We got nicknames too. Hers was Kix 106 and mine was big (1)10 tires. We had boobs and bellies and we were surrounded by skinny prepubescent boys. We were targets. We handled it as a team though. We shook it off and made the boys feel immature and small, like true women do.... We were sisters and we could handle it together, always. I was good with my size. But, through it all the food waited in the background. All I needed was emotional trauma to really rocket my weight problem.

The next year, in August 1993, my best friend was killed in a car accident along with her little brother. I don't know if that is directly responsible for any of my eating problems, but I have watched enough Oprah to realize that it didn't help. My sixth grade year is a blur. I coped with other friends and with Grannie's king size candy bars. I made it through that year without a therapist and by today's standards that's quite an accomplishment. 

The sixth grade melted into the seventh grade. I was involved in extra curricular activites. I wasn't particular atheletic but I did make cheerleader in the seventh grade. I remember that year I squeezed into a size 13 cheerleader uniform. I was the biggest girl on the squad, but at least I was on the squad.

I stayed active during my teenage years. I wasn't super overweight but I remember feeling like I was. I had terrible self esteem. This trickled into all of my romantic relationships as a teenager. That didn't help the eating at all. I remember a summer where I drank apple cider vinegar mixed about half and half with sunny delight. A friend suggested it as a weight loss tactic. I drank only that and ate a few saltine crackers at bedtime. That was it. I now realize it was borderline anorexia seeing as we didn't eat anything else. Thing is I was a terrible anorexic... I loved food way too much to go without it. 

Enter the binge and purge lifestyle. I don't know that many teenage girls haven't tried to throw up a meal. I tried a couple of times but turns out I'm not very good at that either. Laxatives were suggested by a friend because they weren't the same as throwing up but I never could get into that either. I tried dexatrim, metabolife, and the glorious yellow jacket pills that you used to get from the truck stops.... those didn't really work either. 

I finally got comfortable with myself around 17. I had a boyfriend that made me happy and I was involved in some extracurricular stuff that kept me busy and kept my mind off my weight problems. I found self confidence. 

Then I got pregnant. (maybe a little too much confidence?) Try being pregnant and married your senior year and see if you don't resort to eating your emotions. (disclaimer: please don't try that at all, i was just making a point. don't have sex and don't get pregnant when you are a teenager.... thanks.) Anyway, my new husband and I moved away from our parents and we both finished high school. He worked after school and we brought home around $150 per week. 

I learned quickly that poverty makes you fat. It's true what they say on the news. We ate fast things and canned things and quick things and processed things and boy did I pack on the pounds. I gained 80 pounds during my pregnancy. When it was all said and done I had a beautiful baby boy and 60 pounds to lose. 

I did ok for a while after that. I maintained around 190 and for my 5'7 frame that's a good size. It's still plus sized but pretty much my dream size now. I got into college and coasted for about a year juggling a new baby and life out of high school.

I was accepted to nursing school a year later. Ask a nurse what happens in nursing school and they'll tell you really quick that you get fat. We ate all the time. After clinicals, before clinicals, between labs, after classes. Nurses LOVE to eat and food is always around to be had. Throw in my second unplanned pregnancy in three years and voila fat Heather emerges once again.

Nursing school ended and my marriage deteriorated rather quickly. But for the first time in my life I didn't cover my problems with food. Separation and divorce combined with being thrown in to being the sole provider for two little boys was the best diet I had ever had. I worked 50 - 60 hours a week and the Atkins craze was at full swing. I did really well. I lost over 100 pounds and at my lowest i saw 140 on the scale. That was skinnier than I had been since I was 13. 

I maintained around 150 for a while. I met my (best) husband during that time and during the happy dating process the pounds began to slowly come back. We ate out a lot. He lived two hours from me and so that equalled a lot of time on the road and at fast food restaurants. I was happy and I felt loved and beautiful and confident and so I let my diet slip to the back burner. When we married I was 185 lbs. Six months after we married I found out I was pregnant. 

We moved to Alabama (I ate). I lost touch with a lot of friends (i ate some more). I started a new job (eat, eat eat). I stopped smoking because I was pregnant (eat everything in sight). I rapidly found the 2oos on the scale again. I believe i weighed in at 243 after I had my daughter.

After I went back to work I worked nights, and it's extremely hard to diet and exercise when you are working weird hours. I didn't gain much during that time but I developed some nasty habits. I started smoking again and the junk food got out of control. My weight crept up and up and I maintained around 250 for a few years.

In 2010 I fell and broke nearly every bone in my foot and fractured a ligament. I was off work and stuck in a wheelchair for 8 weeks after surgery (mainly because i was too heavy to carry my weight on crutches). For the first time in my life I saw 300 pounds. In that period of time the hospital that I worked at faced financial hardship and my job was one of the first ones to go. Here I was, the heaviest that I had ever been and no job to go back to. Hello, crippling anxiety, where have you been?

300 was always a big deal for me. It's the number people use to describe really really big people and in my head I didn't feel really really big. I decided to deal with that number by ignoring it completely. After I got back on my feet I did lose back down into the 280-290 range, but I couldn't make myself successful at dieting and my foot had a lot of post op pain so it was really hard to exercise.

I never went back to work. I decided to stay at home with my kids. That was 5 years ago. I have slowly packed on around 5-10 pounds per year since then. At the end of 2015 I was the heaviest I had ever been. The day I stepped on the scales and decided that I had to do something to save my life I weighed 334.4 pounds. 

It's a bad vicious cycle, but the truth is once you let it get out of control it's almost impossible to get that control back on your own. I always think about alcoholics and drug addicts. No one ever really expects them to quit without help. Surgery is my help. I'm addicted to food and surgery is going to help me conquer that addiction. 

It freaks me out. I'm scared and excited. I have a goal to work toward though and I have already found that I recognize when I'm stress eating and I will stop myself. The pre op diet is a serious mind trip. Already it has helped me face emotions and confront my "head hunger" straight on. The reason I'm boring you with this is that I realize that my past is a big important part of my future. I have to look back at the triggers that made me as big as I am. I have to recognize these triggers so I will be able to avoid them or at least see them coming in the future. If you have read this far then maybe you understand and have triggers of your own. We're all fighting our own battles. Mine just likes Hostess Cupcakes and Krispy Kremes.

WLS Journal: Part 3 --Three Types of Losers

Author's note: I wasn't ready to write about weight loss surgery before I had actually been under the knife. I still wasn't confident to publish until after I had seen some results. This is my story. It was basically my diary in the days leading up to my sleeve gastrectomy. I hope someone that reads this can identify. 

Feb. 22, 2016

There's a great divide in the Bariatric community about who to tell about your surgery and when to tell it. There are a small faction of surgery deniers out there. They skulk in the shadows of support groups, usually under false names and facebook profiles. They proudly post their before and after shots but the reason behind those fabulous transformations exists only in the virtual walls of that support group. Their closest relatives may know about their surgery but the outside world at large never knows. They assume the denier has found some magical secret trick to dieting... which, I guess, is partly true. But, to me, to leave out the part that you had a life altering surgery when asked the famous "What are you doing?" is a bit misleading.

The second faction is the over-sharer. This is the person that starts telling EVERYONE from facebook friends to postal worker that they are having weight loss surgery. They start telling everyone as soon as they make the decision; probably not realizing that even best case scenario the wait time is at least 4-6 months from deciding to surgery day. They post pics of their meals and their fit bit screen shots and their weekly transformation pic collages are always cluttering up your news feed. There's some sound thinking in that too, I guess, knowing that people are expecting great things can keep you accountable.  

I consider myself to be part of the third faction. I'm not really shouting it from the rooftops. My family all knows that I am working toward surgery. Some of my church family knows. A few friends know. Other than that I've kept to myself. At least I have during the approval process. I'm planning on just being honest. If someone tells me I'm looking great, I'm just going to say thank you. If some one asks me "what are you doing?" I will probably tell them. I just don't want to get into a debate with an almost-stranger about the benefits and risks of weight loss surgery. I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking that I magically obtained the miracle solution to my obesity either.

People are judgy. People judge you if you are fat. They treat you differently when you are obese. But, strangely enough people are also judgy when you try to do something to combat your obesity. They giggle at you when you are on the elliptical at the gym. They stare when you are at the walking track. But fat people are judgy too. Maybe they're more jealous than judgy. It's one or both. I think they envy the courage that a decision to cut out part of your stomach takes. I think they envy the fact that we are brave enough to step back from our addictions and face that we have a problem. I used to be that person. Anytime anyone suggested that I look in to having WLS I would lash out with anger. I accused people of taking the easy way out. Now, I realize that this way isn't easy at all. I will be fighting my addiction to food for the rest of my life. I will have this surgery as a tool to help me fight. I tried for 15 years to beat my obesity on my own. I can't do this on my own anymore. 

Personal update! As I was writing this today I received a phone call from my surgeon and my date is set for March 15! My birthday is Wednesday and this surgery is the best way I can think of to start my 34th year! It's gonna give me many, many more birthdays and for that I can't wait!!

WLS Journal: Part 2 -- The Boring Details....

Author's note: I wasn't ready to write about weight loss surgery before I had actually been under the knife. I still wasn't confident to publish until after I had seen some results. This is my story. It was basically my diary in the days leading up to my sleeve gastrectomy. I hope someone that reads this can identify. 

February 11, 2016

I'm going to attempt to document the entire process of my WLS journey on this format. I hope to have it as a personal record and if my journey helps someone else along the way, all the better. 

So here's where I am now: I made the decision to have a sleeve gastrectomy in September 2015. I began my research and chose a surgeon. I watched his online seminar and filled in all my information for them to contact me. I then completely panicked when the patient advocate called my cell and didn't answer. I needed a little more time to adjust to my fate. Also, I figured I should tell my husband what I was about to do first.

His reaction was probably typical. He was about 75 pounds overweight when I told him what I was planning. So what choice did he have but to go on a crash diet and prove that weight loss was easy. The holidays were closing in so I did the opposite. I went into a denial binge. I lived it up and ate anything I wanted. He lost 2-4 pounds a week and I packed on another 20 pounds from September until December.

December 26 I stepped on the scales at a whopping 334.6 pounds. That's the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I resolved to change my life then (again). I started a high protein low carbohydrate diet. January I called and made the appointment with Dr. Schmitt for my initial consultation. In the mean time something happened with my husband. After many talks and lots of tears he decided to support my decision. He's still not excited... I think he's mostly nervous. He is happy for me so that makes me more comfortable going forward.

My first consult was honestly kind of disappointing, to be honest. I don't know what I was expecting but whatever that was didn't happen. I met with a patient advocate, she told me what I was going to have to do in order to get a surgery date. Bariatric surgery is excluded on our insurance (thanks obama). The bright side of this is that for around $13,000 I can have the surgery out patient without having to go on a medically supervised diet (which is required with most insurance policies). This gets me closer to the goal but I still have a few hurdles to jump. I have to have a visit with my GP to obtain a letter stating I am physically cleared. I have to have basic labs drawn. These include a Chemistry, CBC, Thyroid Panel and Cholesterol. Lastly, I have to be evaluated for sleep apnea. This one is the biggest hurdle in my opinion. I have to meet with an ENT or sleep specialist and they will evaluate me and if deemed necessary set me up for a sleep study. My appointment with the ENT is next week. I will let you know how that goes when it happens.

So that's what's happened so far. It's an emotional journey and I haven't even gotten through the first steps. Currently I'm battling my food addictions when there's a voice inside saying "go ahead, eat it now, you won't be able to have that later." I'm fighting those urges but it's extremely hard. Over the next few weeks I hope to cut all sodas out of my diet, I only drink diet soda but I drink way too many and carbonated drinks are advised against post surgery. I am starting an exercise program so that hopefully my body will bounce back quicker. Right now I'm just walking and trying to get steps in on the fit bit. I'm also buying my protein drinks ahead of time. The are quite expensive so I hope to have my pantry stocked by the time I have to start the liquid diet. 

WLS Journal: Part 1 The Decision Making

Author's note: I wasn't ready to write about weight loss surgery before I had actually been under the knife. I still wasn't confident to publish until after I had seen some results. This is my story. It was basically my diary in the days leading up to my sleeve gastrectomy. I hope someone that reads this can identify. 



I'm not quite sure when my thinking changed course. At some point in time, probably in the midst of yet another failed diet, I made the decision that I couldn't fight this disease on my own any longer. I decided after much prayer and many heated arguments (yes, arguments) with my spouse. You see, he's a quick loser. He's not hopelessly addicted to food. He wants to lose weight; he just stops eating. I try to explain that it's more complicated than that for me. I guess it isn't really. I'm weak. I try to stop eating and I fall every single time. I end up eating twice as much as before. I cover every emotion with something sweet and chase it with something salty. I freaking love the way food makes me feel. So, here I am 200 lbs overweight. I have high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, i've had a ruptured disc in my back and my joints ache and pop every move I make. I'm only 34. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be active and healthy and energetic. I'm not. 

There's a reason behind the lack of energy and general motivation. It's the extra 200 pounds. That and the crippling social anxiety that comes with the extra flab. I'm a typical textbook fat girl. I make jokes. I'm cynical and sarcastic. I'm usually the loud one in the group. The whole time I'm laughing on the out side my anxious brain is over analyzing every glance from every person in the room. The anxiety tells me that everyone is looking at the way your shirt gets caught at your waistline, "quick pull it down so they don't see how high you have to wear your pants. Wait, don't cross your arms, put your hands in your pocket, stick out your chest more so they don't notice your belly, what are you doing with your arms? wait did she just look at you funny? she thinks you're a slob." The anxiety gets me so worked up that i feel like a drug addict that needs a fix. I drive home from a social gathering and can not wait to get to the junk food I have stashed where the kids won't find it. Or, better yet, I stop and get a burger and some nuggets and a big box of fries and eat them while I'm driving, because if I stuff it all down before I get home no one will know how much I eat. Of course I feel guilty about this afterward. Guilt is easily dealt with... with more food. 

I recognize all of this about my psyche and my body. So, just as an alcoholic has to recognize that they have a problem, I decided that I was ready to confront my addiction. Food addiction is tricky, though. I can't completely eliminate food from my life as one would drugs or alcohol. I have to have food to live. I can eliminate the bad foods. I have some success with that on my own. But here's where the surgery comes in. The folks in the support groups call it a tool. Basically the doctor will remove over half of my stomach and create a physical barrier to overeating. It's a scary thought. I've watched the surgery more times than I can count. I know all the things that can go wrong. I also know that I will be a burden on my family by the time I'm 50, that's if I make it to 50 and right now that's not a guarantee.

I don't think this is going to be easy. I think this is going to be the hardest thing that I have ever decided to do. My brain goes into panic mode when I think about all the things that I will crave and have to go without. The hopes and dreams out weigh the panic and dread, though. I want to be able to run and ride bicycles and take hikes with my husband and kids. I want to be able to enjoy social events without my weight and my crazy anxiety brain. I want my self confidence back. I want to ride a roller coaster (I don't fit in them right now). 

Memories of "Miss" Nelda

I heard of Mrs. Nelda Chesney's passing this morning. All day, memories of this sweet lady have flooded my mind. She was well loved by all that knew her. This post is just a summary of my many sweet memories of her.

One of my earliest memories is riding to Decatur with my Grannie and shopping at the IGA. It may be one of those childhood memories that isn't necessarily formed, rather it is told. I believe I remember it, but my memories may have been compromised by the telling of the memory.

I do remember my Grannie taking me and my brother to JR Chaney's store. She'd load us up in her big blue car and take us down to JR's store. She'd fill up with gas. While the gas was pumping she would let us fill up on anything in the store we desired. We'd pile the counter high and Mrs. Laverne would tally our treasures as if it were an every day occurrence. We didn't want just a few Cheese and Cracker's, Grannie wanted to buy us the entire box. We topped it off with one of those cups of Ford's ice cream with the wooden spoons. We would take our time and tally up all our snacks and drinks and Grannie would tell us to help her carry them to the car. It was a grand-daughter's dream come true.

As the years went on JR Chaney's store became less and less capable of providing the junk food essentials that my brother and I craved. Yes we could still ride with Grannie; and, yes, she could still send us in to grab her Kools and a Dr. Pepper on her tab, but after the school closed JR's became less and less of a grocery and more of a last ditch effort for gas in the dried up community of Beulah Hubbard. Little Rock was where the action was at. The men started to gravitate there for the coffee and gossip and Mrs Nelda, one of my Grannie's close friends opened a store there.

Our trips with Grannie were treasured during our summers out of school and we travelled once or twice a month to "Miss" Nelda's.  She had cold drinks, cheez and crackers, king sized candy bars, sugary cereals, 2 liter drinks, big bags of chips, video game and movie rentals. Grannie let my brother and I rent Super Mario Bros. 3 so many times that we probably could have bought it for what we paid in rentals. Mrs. Nelda never charged us a late fee. She knew we could have owned the game as soon as paid her for it. Plus she was Grannie's friend. It was a pretty sweet arrangement for a kid. 

As we grew older the trips with Grannie became fewer and fewer. The trips to Mrs. Nelda's didn't stop, though. I remember my oldest sister bribing me to ride with her to the store so that I could go in and pay so that she didn't have to. I remember countless trips as a teenager to get the best bacon cheeseburger I have ever had (even to this day), not to mention the tater logs or curly fries to go with them.  She had feminine products, movie rentals, school supplies, candy, chips, fishing bait, and a full service greasy restaurant. It was the hub of all of our small town needs.

At the center of all the small town chaos was Mrs. Nelda. She sat on a stool behind the counter. She usually had a cigarette in hand and always had an eye on every person in the store. She greeted everyone that walked through by their first name. 

I was married and moved to the big city of Decatur when I was 18. My trips to Mrs. Nelda's became few and far between, but she never forgot me. Every time I found the chance to walk in those doors she greeted me as if I were in there every day. She would ask about Grannie, who by that time was home bound. She knew the names of my children as well as she knew her own. She would give them a sucker if I happened to have them with me. 

I left Mississippi in 2006. Anytime I went home and happened to stop in her store she still called me by name and said, "What else, Heather?" as I checked out. I last saw her about a year after Grannie died. She was still at the counter and when I walked in her store I thought to myself, "she probably won't recognize you, don't be disappointed." She proved me wrong. I was checking out and she said, "what else, Heather?" I replied "that's all" as she gave me my change she told me she sure did miss my Grannie and she asked how my babies were doing. We chatted as if nothing had changed in all those years.  That was her gift. She made everyone feel like they were a special part of her family. Mrs. Nelda's was an extension of home for most of us in Little Rock and Beulah Hubbard. She has a special place in all our hearts. I know she was greeted by the arms of Jesus this morning just as sweetly as she greeted countless customers, family, and friends throughout the years. 

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