Best Friends for Life.... To Crystal and CJ

I'm feeling reminiscent about my life after reading a tribute to my son's friend he lost to cancer. He lost Hudson to cancer at a young age, I lost Crystal and CJ when I was young to a drunk driver.

Hudson Steele was lost when my son, Sam, was in the 7th grade. He battled brain cancer vailiantly and his classmates fought along his side. He will always be remembered by his friends. Sam will never forget Hudson. He remembers Hudson just as I will always remember Crystal. I feel like maybe God prepared me to teach my child how to deal with loss. I still wasn't completely ready but I did have a head's up on the rest of our class. That's all because of Crystal and CJ.

When I was 11 years old my life changed unexpectedly. I was about to start 6th grade at a new and different school. I was nervous and excited at the same time. My best friend, Crystal was nervous and excited too. We were excited about "middle school" but were desperately worried about having to change classes for the first time.

Registration was tomorrow. I will always think of it like that. Registration was the day after Crystal died. For me there is life before Crystal and life after Crystal.

Back to life before Crystal died..... I was so excited and so was my best friend. We had talked about how nervous and excited we were at Sunday school the day before.We talked about who we would love to be in our classes and we talked about who we wanted to be our home room teachers. We desperately wanted to be in the same homeroom. We talked about buying our school supplies. I had a 3D bubble binder (it's funny the things you remember). She thought that was really cool (I had made a "friends" tab in that binder where I was going to write birthdays of all my friends... I'd already filled hers in, April 1.) We talked on the phone that afternoon as we got our school supplies in order. We were excited to officially have lockers and change classes. We were gonna do it together.

The very day that we talked about how nervous we were, she was taken from me. We left church that morning excited and happy and she left her house to go to church that evening and never went anywhere else.

She and her brother were never to go anywhere ever again because some guy got too drunk and decided to drive for another drink. He decided what he had was not enough and in the process it was decided that they were less than his buzz. Crystal and CJ deserved so much more. He went for another drink and decided that anyone on the road was less than he was. He decided that Crystal and CJ and their family wasn't important.

Crystal and her brother, CJ, were so much more than what that drunk driver thought they were. They deserved a chance at life and a drunk driver stole that from them. They deserved to be able to celebrate their 12th and 10th birthdays. They deserved to go on their first date. They deserved a first kiss. They deserved a prom. They deserved to graduate. They deserved to fall in love.They deserved to get married to the loves of their lives and have bunches of babies. They deserved it all.  All of that was stolen in an instant by a man that couldn't even think for himself.

I deserved my best friend for the rest of my life. I deserved her annoying little brother who I loved just as much as I loved my own brother. Their parents deserved to see their children grow to adulthood. Crystal and CJ deserved to live a full and fulfilling life. Their friends and family deserved the chance to witness that long and happy life. Those lives were stolen from me and all their friends and family.

Today would have been CJ's 32nd birthday. I can imagine he would have had a family of his own by now. He was such a charmer. All of Crystal's friend's (me more than any) loved him dearly. He was a sweet talker even at his young age. He called me "Heaver" and I always loved him like a little brother.

Crystal was my best friend. She will always be my best friend. There isn't a day that passes that she isn't on my heart. I think of her every single day. I thought of her the day I got my first kiss. She was in my thoughts when I first fell in love. She was with me when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I felt her presence when I felt my first heartache. She was there all along. She is still with me today.  She influences my writing. She influences my song. She will always be in my thoughts. I will never forget my friend, Crystal Michelle. There's not been a day since she left this earth that she hasn't been with me. I know she's waiting for me when this earth is done with my body. She will always be my best friend.... no one has ever compared to her in the 23 years since she has been gone.

I will NEVER stop missing her or her brother. They will live through me forever and I hope that I make them proud of me. I miss them both so much.

This past weekend my child went to his first prom. She would have been there for me. She would have been the one that I sent pictures to. She would have been there from the time he was in diapers to the time I was helping him into his tux. She will always be there in my mind. I miss her so. I miss her smile. I miss the way she laughs. I miss the way she would look at me when she knew I was holding something back. I miss the way she would laugh out loud when she knew I was telling the truth.  I will never forget her beautiful face. I will never forget her laugh. I will never forget her.

I won't forget CJ either. He wasn't there for the heart to heart's but he was there for the clubhouse's in the woods. He was there for the random basketball games. He was there for the MLB on old nintendo or to tell me how the Celtics were doing in the NBA. He was my best friend's little brother and I miss him too. Everyday. Today was his birthday. I know it was a great one in the arms of My savior. I can't wait to see him again and hear him say "We've been waiting for you, Heaver."

Until we meet again my best friends for life, my Crystal and my CJ. I love you still.

" Do not let your heart be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms, if it were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And, If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

Sometimes, I take his boots off....

So, this past week there have been two blog posts that have sparked my interest. The first was by a man who's bloggy title claimed my wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink. The second was by a woman from a drastically different point of view and can be viewed here. The second article implored women not to be a "butt hole" wife and to stop nagging their husbands about the little things. The former blog was written by a man and implored other men to pay attention to their wives needs. For instance, if it is important to your wife for you to put your dish in the dishwasher, the author implores you to do that lest you lose her. In contrast the "butt hole wife" has lost her husband to untimely death and in hindsight she implores other women NOT to fuss and nag about the simple things like clothes left in the floor or dishes left by the sink. Both authors of both blog-posts have valid points that are exaggerated by their individual situations of divorce and widowhood.

I happen to agree with both of the authors. This may be why I took his boots off tonight.

You see, I have been married for the majority of my adult life. The first marriage was forced and hard and young and it didn't last long despite my best efforts. I decided that whenever I married again I was going to be a better wife.

Being a better wife doesn't sacrifice my feminism. It doesn't make me "less"... in fact, i believe it makes me better. I know all the feminists are gonna roll their eyes at that one and that's ok. I take great joy in making my husband happy. I take pride in making his day better when he walks into the door. I don't bombard him with complaints about what is going wrong in my world. I greet him with a smile and ask him how his day has been. Because i'm there to listen to him he doesn't care if supper isn't ready yet. He doesn't care if the house isn't in perfect order. He sees me being there for him and because of that he is there for me. He understands my struggles as a stay at home mom and I understand his struggles as the sole provider for a family of five. We have each others back. We are a team. We work at this partnership together.

So, back to the original purpose of this post....

Occasionally he leaves clothes on the floor and occasionally he leaves a dish by the sink. He's  not perfect. Sometimes I fuss about these things. But mostly I pick up the clothes and i put the dishes in the dish washer and I keep my mouth shut. This may enrage some of you, but I would like to remind you that you are not in my marriage and you do not live my life. For me, I clean up because he does all the work. I stay at home and i keep the house while he works  sometimes 16 hour days and pays the bills. My situation and the situation of those blog authors are probably completely utterly different.

That is why it is so important not to let a blog post decide where you should be in your own marriage.

Marriage is a unique process shared between only you and your spouse and God. Nothing that you are going through should ever be subject to criticism from anyone besides yourself, your spouse and our God Almighty. If your spouse is nagging you excessively or making you feel inferior for not completing a specific task my best advice is to first off be upfront with your spouse. So many times do we bottle things up and grumble over the dishes or the clothes on the floor and never let our mates know until it bubbles over into an argument. Be honest with each other. If that doesn't help, seek the advice of a Christian Counselor. Do not give up on a marriage before you diligently seek God's help in the matter. 

But before any of that happens.... take his boots off. He fell asleep in the recliner as you were getting the kids to bed and you tried to wake him up. He wouldn't wake up so you could storm off to bed, mad as heck, and leave him there to fend for himself. OR... you could take off his boots... cover him up with a warm blanket, kiss him on the cheek and tell him goodnight.

If leaving the dishes by the sink or leaving your clothes in the floor bothers her, make an  effort to show her that you understand that it matters to her and do not do it anymore.

My whole rebuttal to both of those viral blog posts is that all you need to do is respect your spouse. God calls us to be submissive unto each other. Love for each other requires us to be permissible of each other. Our faults are to be accepted or lovingly corrected by our spouse. We should never nag or demean the other party into bowing into our will.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your husband, as is fitting in the Lord. Husband's love your wives and do not be harsh with them." Colossians3:18-19

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which He is the Saviour.Now as the church submits to Christ so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:21-24

But WAIT there's more!




"Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all no one ever hated their own body but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does for the Church." Ephesians 5:25-29

My point is that I care for my husband because God compels me to care for him. He cares for me because God compels him to care for me. I pick up his clothes if he happens to leave them on the floor without harsh words because that's what God wants me to do. He deals with my inefficiencies whatever they may be (and there are quite a few I assure you) with out harsh words because that's the husband God commands him to be. This works in our marriage. It keeps us strong when times are rough and it keeps us happy when times are sad.

I take his boots off because he is tired and because I love him. He'd take my boots off if the position was reversed. That's what makes a marriage happy. 

ICE STORM OF '96 OR MAYBE '97, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH

It was 1996, I think. It could have been 1995 or 1997.... I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure it was 1996...

My sister Lisa was at East Central but she lived in the dorms.... it was her first year there so it was probably 1996.

Anyway, I was 13 or 14 and I vividly remember my mama filling up all the bathtubs with water before we went to bed. She also diligently filled up all the empty milk jugs that she always saved a few of, and the two liter coke bottles that were laying around the trash pile.I don't know if my mama was ever a girl scout, doubtful in rural Beulah Hubbard, but she should have been because she was and is always ready for severe weather...... especially WINTER weather.

So, I went to bed that night thinking my mother was crazy and that we would never have winter weather because it was Mississippi. We had just had a blizzard in March of 1993, there's no way we were gonna have more winter weather in 1996 ( or 1997 whichever it was...)...

I snuggled in my bed under my great grandmother's quilts and dreamed sweet dreams.....

I woke up around 5 am because someone was shooting fireworks outside my window.

I tip-toed into the living room and my daddy was nursing a fire in the wood burning electric insert fireplace. It was dark, but I chalked that up to it being 5am. Daddy explained to me that the fireworks I was hearing was the tops breaking out of the pines that surrounded our house. He was sitting in the dark nursing the insert because the power was out thanks to the ice accumulation on the power lines. I must have dozed back off after that because the next thing i remember is my excited mother waking us up to see the winter wonderland that very rarely came to Mississippi.

My brother and I snuggled ourselves up in hoodies and coats and socks on our hands (because no one in MS has winter gloves or mittens) and boots and trudged out side in the icy weather. We slipped and we jumped and we licked icicles off the bushes.We talked Daddy in to knocking one of the especially long icicles off the eve of the house. He did it with a groan and a grin and we got Mama to put it in the freezer.

That night was interesting. We had gone without power all day. We'd been fine because we had been outside and around the fireplace and etc. That night we realized our beds were cold. The water was out because the generator at the water pump was out (mama had planned ahead for that because she had filled the tubs, and milk jugs and coke bottles with water). We all brought blankets and mattresses into the living room and my little brother, my older sisters, my grandmother (did i mention she lived with us too?) my mother, and my father all slept in the living room together. I thought it was awesome... this was the end of Day 1.

Day 2 we woke up to the smell of bacon. Daddy was cooking on the old coleman propane camp stove. The only problem was that Mama wouldn't let him use the stove in the house because of carbon monoxide or whatever. So by the time that glorious bacon got to the kitchen it was cold as ice. It was about 8 degrees outside. So we ate cold bacon and eggs for breakfast on day 2.

We spent Day 2 in and out of the house. The fire was always burning in the insert, even without electricity. We occupied ourselves with games like "I Spy" or "My Ship Goes Sailing". We were warm enough and our bellies were full and there was lots of ice out side/ We were happy regardless.

But...... then there was a WHOOSH. and the WHOOSH was followed by a ROOOOOAAAARRRSSSSHHH/....

my mother says, "Allen, I think the chimney might be on fire."
my daddy says, "Nah, the chimney's not on fire"
we hear another "whoosh"
daddy goes out side.
daddy yells, "the chimney's on fire!"

The phone is out because we have telephone lines in the air at this time.
The water is out because the power shut down the generator.
The power is out because,,, well it's always been out
There are no cell phones in 1996.

Daddy locates a ladder really fast..... he yells for mama to bring water.

MAMA CAUGHT UP GALLONS OF WATER BEFORE THE STORM!!!!

So the Harrison Children bucket brigade the coke bottles of water up the ladder to Daddy who pours them down the chimney to put out the chimney fire.

Daddy calls Papaw and Uncle Barry to help him remove the electric fireplace insert from the fireplace.

Thus ends day 2.

DAY 3:

It's cold despite the newly liberated fireplace.

The shampoo is frozen and we are all very tired of each other in the living room.

My room was like an ice box but still it was better than being with all of my family 24 hours a day.

But out of the blue my other sister and her boyfriend came to the rescue. He came with a gas heater and she came with the promise that her dorm room had hot water and power.

I rode with my sisters to Decatur with more anticipation than I've ever felt since. My hair was greasy and the cold sponge baths only did so much. The shower that I took that day in the EC dorms was the greatest shower of my life. I had to shampoo twice because my hair was just that gross. It was heavenly.

We all loaded back up and spent one more night in our living room commune. It wasn't so bad that night because we were clean and had extra heat.

Day 4 the power came back. We all retreated back to our rooms and were happy to be back to normal.

I dare say we were a little sad to be back to normal....


*this is my best recollection of these events.... i'm sure my mom, dad and sisters have a more accurate description of the ice storm of 96.... this is my best recollection, take it as you will.

Ten years and 160 pounds of Wisdom

So tonight I was scrolling through Facebook as I often do on a boring, stay-home Saturday night, and I come across an article from one of the news outlets that I subscribe to. The article was titled, "10 things I've learned after Extreme Weight Loss". Of course I clicked on it. I was expecting a story that reflected my own weight loss journey. What I found was a condescending twenty something that had no idea what she was talking about.

Maybe I'm being harsh. If I am, it is because I was that girl when I was 24. I lost 100 pounds in my 24th year. The Atkins craze had taken the nation by storm and I was equipped with a bitter divorce under my belt. I had the motivation and the means to lose five stone. It happened and I rode that coaster for a couple of years. It was wonderful. But life went on and I remarried and had another baby and reverted to my old habits. This girl that wrote this article writes about being single and avoiding the weight loss subject with dates. She/s in for a rude awakening when marriage and baby comes her way.

Or maybe she isn't. I hope to goodness she continues on her path to healthy living. The thing that bothered me is how much she focused in her article about how others perceived her and how men especially treated her differently. I see that in my life now that I've lost weight but it doesn't define me. What makes me feel good now is what I see in MY mirror. Not what others see when they look at me. I, frankly, do not give a damn what anyone else sees when they look at me. I know how my body feels and I know how much work I've done in the gym. I know I'm on the right path. I don't care what anyone else thinks about my size. 

She was also very vocal about how she achieved her weight loss "on her own" without drastic measures such as bariatric surgery or fad diets. She said it as if the two go hand in hand. As if having one's stomach surgically altered was as simple as subscribing to a boxed meal service such as nutrisystem. I've got news for this young lady. I lost 100 pounds when I was your age. I gained 150 pounds back. Talk to me when you are 35 and you have a few kids out of that uterus. It's different. You won't be so smug about weight loss surgery when you have tried every "diet" and exercise program under the sun but you still only yo-yo through the same 30-40 pounds. It's especially frustrating when you have 80 or 100 to lose.  The fourth decade of life is a monster. It doesn't allow you to just "decide" to lose weight. The fourth decade requires you to WORK for your weight loss. And even that may not be enough... some times it requires surgical intervention. 

And there is NOTHING WRONG with surgical intervention. NOTHING! It's a step that you take when you feel like you are totally hopeless. Surgery is a step that you take when you have tried EVERYTHING with out reward. Surgery is a step that you take when you realize that you are going to die from this disease called obesity. It is not a step you take lightly. It is a step that you cry about the night before surgery because you fear that you may not see your children again. But it's also a step that you take so that you WILL have many more happy days with your children. It is a step that you take to promise your kids that there will be no more days of mommy on the couch; no more days where mommy asks you to bring her stuff because she's to heavy and lazy to get up and get it herself. No more days where mommy sits back and watches you play instead of getting up and playing with you. 

The girl talked about dating and hiding her weight loss from prospective mates. She is wrong. I was totally up front with my husband about my struggles with my weight. He married me knowing that I was a recovering fat girl. He stayed with me when my struggles  became reality. He supported all of my diet and exercise struggles. He was by my side after all of my failures. He fully supported me when I decided that surgery was my best hope at beating this disease. He encouraged me when I regretted my decision, he rejoices with me when I celebrate my victories. He might not feel the same had I pretended that I was never fat before we met. I don't know, maybe he would have. But that's not a chance I was ever going to take with a potential life partner. He deserved to know all of me.... the bad and the good, the fat and the skinny. And he accepted me regardless.

I wish I could reach out to this young lady. I would like to congratulate her on her journey so far. Losing 100 pounds is a monumental achievement regardless of whether you do it with surgery or without. I wish I could counsel her on how to deal with her food issues in a healthy way that would prevent her from falling back into her old habits like I did. Mostly, I would counsel her to be supportive of anyone on this weight loss journey. No matter how you get to your goal you are working toward being a better person. There is no shame in your game be it surgery, or nutrisystem, or weight watchers, or a personal trainer. It's all about beating this food addiction and becoming healthy again. I wish I could teach her how important it is for other people to hear positive reinforcement rather than scoldings for not doing the weight loss in the way that she believes to  be the "right way".

I wish I could introduce her to 24 year old Heather, and then fast forward to 34 year old Heather... The 34 year old that was trapped under almost 200 pounds of flab. I don't think she would ever understand the emotions and struggles that went into the decision for that Heather to go to a weight loss surgery clinic. You never know until you have been there. I would tell her not to judge a book she has yet to read.

WLS Journal Part 10: Surviving Vacation Food and a Non-Scale Victory

Big news this week. I hit my first major goal weight. Yesterday morning I stepped on the scale and saw 250.0. I have not seen those numbers since my youngest child was a toddler. It feels SO good. 84 pounds gone forever. What feels even better was that this number presented itself to me after 11 days of vacationing in the Smoky Mountains and celebrating the 4th of July holiday with family and friends. 

"How was your vacation? Where did y'all eat?" That pretty much sums up how important food is to an average vacation in the south. I was pretty nervous about this going into our trip. Food is still fun and important to the rest of my family. I didn't want to be the stick in the mud that chugs a protein shake and says, "lets not go out tonight, let's all stay here and eat nuts and cheese." This is my life now. They live with the nuts and cheese girl every night of their lives... when they are on vacation they want the old Heather back. 

So, I had to stuff the new healthy me back into her shell for a little while and go out to eat practically every night for seven nights straight. It was a huge learning experience for me. I've eaten out several times since surgery but usually at restaurants that I know. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to eat before I walk through the door. This wasn't the case in the life of "lets drive around until we see something good." But, I survived.

Here's a few things I learned:

1. Order water, or no beverage at all. It saves you money on the bill and you aren't going to drink it anyway so get the free. When you don't order a drink you get a crazy look from the server so I just get water and let it sit.
2. Ask about the kids menu. Some places seriously don't mind if you order a child's plate. If it's in giant bold type on the menu that child prices are ONLY FOR CHILDREN UNDER 10 WITH BIRTH CERTIFICATES or whatever then, no, don't even go there. Some places are more reasonable than others and you just kind of get the vibe. Downside to kids plates is that typically they are the most unhealthy things on the menu. I don't want chicken strips and fries. So usually I order the grown up plate and expect to take it with me. 
3. Skip the salad if you order a big entree. I know salads are healthy but if you waste your three bites on leafy greens then your spouse is going to be really mad that you ordered that $40 steak. 
4. Order the best cut of meat on the menu. If you only get three bites make them count. 
5. Portions are HUGE. Don't comment to the rest of your dining companions about how much they are eating. On a related note, don't order the salad off the dinner menu because they literally bring you enough to feed you for three weeks.
6. Slow down. Seriously. Restaurants, especially in touristy places, want to rush you out the door so they can make room for the next patrons. Don't let them do this. Chew til you are tired of chewing and put your fork down between bites. They'll wait. Your family will wait. Enjoy your meal but don't rush.
7. Skip the chips at the Mexican place. 
8. Try not to push your leftovers on your spouse. It's hard but you don't want them to overeat just because you can't anymore. Get the to go box and enjoy your meal another time or two after you leave.
9. Trust your pouch. Your tummy is designed to restrict your eating. Don't try to eat around your restriction. Don't drink with meals. Listen to your body and let your new tummy do it's job.
10. Protein first, always. If you want to splurge on a bite of something Carb-filled and delicious you can, but always eat your chicken, beef, fish, or pork first. 

I didn't always abide by my own advice, but I know now what to expect the next time. I took protein filled snacks with us everywhere we went. The kids and husband enjoyed them just as much as I did. They didn't miss the chips and chex mix that usually accompany our road trips. I packed my protein shakes and had one every morning to stay ahead of the cravings. It wasn't as bad as I worried it would be. 

A bonus to the location of our vacation was that it was centered on getting out and moving. We hiked, tubed in the rivers, swam in the mountain creeks, we did a LOT of walking and I was able to do all of those things because of this surgery and the weight loss that followed. 

My journey so far... from 314 pounds on the left to 250 pounds on the far right.  Always document your journey with photos, you won't regret it.

I have to share we were at a river near Townsend, TN. We had been there for a few hours and were sitting to dry off before we left. I watched a family come down the bank to the rocky beach area and couldn't help but notice the mom bringing up the rear. She was obese. She was cautious about every step. She couldn't keep up with her family and in their excitement they had left her behind. They jumped from rock to rock as they looked for their perfect place to unload their gear. She started to follow them but as she stepped up on the first rock she groaned with what I'm assuming was knee pain. She stepped back down and called for them to go on without her. She put down her towel and sat there, out of breath. She watched her family from afar as they laughed and played. She took pictures and was in none of them. She had on a swimsuit under her cover up but she never took off the cover. She smiled at her kids and her husband but I could see the sadness and regret behind the smile.

I noticed all of this because this woman was me a year ago. I was the mother that watched from the safe spot because I didn't trust my gigantic body to be able to make it out to where the action was. I was hidden under a hot cover up because I was ashamed and worried about what everyone else would think if I took it off. I don't want to miss out on life anymore because of what this disease called obesity does to my body. I'm going to fight every day to not be the mom that can't get out with her kids. 

My husband and I this year versus our anniversary trip to the mountains two years ago. We have lost a combined total of 150 pounds since the pic on the right. I couldn't have ever come as far as I have without his support and encouragement along the way.

On a lighter note after all that fun and food and laziness that vacation brings I came home and weighed in 3.5 pounds lighter, even after the holiday weekend. I probably could have lost more if I had been more diligent about exercising and what I was eating but I'm claiming it as a win. 250 has loomed out of my reach for so many years and now I can't wait to NEVER see it on the scale again. Onederland (for those of you that aren't in the WLS community that's what we call weighing in less than 200s) is in my sites and I can't wait!!

WLS Journal Part 9: 11 Things NOT to Say to A WLS Patient

From the start of this journey I've experienced lots of different reactions from people when they find out that I've had surgery. Most of them are positive. There are a few that do not approve of the surgical option. A lot of people are just generally uncomfortable talking about someone else's weight problem. It's like they know you're heavy but hearing you say "I'm tired of being fat." mortifies them because you are almost literally addressing the elephant in the room. Anyway, along my journey I've had some comments that I found funny or hurtful and I thought I would share with you. 

Things NOT to say to a Weight Loss Surgery Patient.

1. "You look great. I hope you can keep it off this time." I know that sounds like something really nice to say. And it was a really nice thing... until you added the "this time" to it. Believe me, no one is more frustrated with my failed diet attempts up to this point than I am. I am quite aware of my past failures and yo-yo dieting. I know all too well what it has done to my body. I don't need you to be passive aggressive and remind me under the veil of a compliment. I'm not trying to be snotty but the "this time" sounds like you don't expect me to succeed and when I know that you don't expect it, it just hurts.
2.  "I would love to have the surgery but I can't make myself do it (or can't afford it, or am not brave enough). I guess I will have to lose my weight the hard way." Really? Because having a major operation where they remove 80% of my stomach sounds easy to you? Because I recognize that my eating disorder was so severe that the only option to help save my life was to have to physically alter my anatomy to the point that I could hurt myself if I overeat? That sounds easy to you? I will be the first to admit that the weight has come off faster and steadier than any diet I've ever tried. It hasn't been as hard for me as it is for some people. I have friends that vomit every single day because their new stomach is super sensitive. There is a lady in a support group that I'm a member of that has to be tube fed now because she had a bad surgeon and started leaking after surgery. She nearly died. I cried the night before because I was worried something would go wrong and I wouldn't see my kids again. It was never an easy decision. It was the hardest most prayed over decision I have made about my health. It's been a hard journey retraining my mental game with food. It's been hard to get up and work out on days that I don't feel like it. It's been hard to go out to eat and really want to finish a meal but not being physically able to. It's a constant battle with my mind over what it wants versus what my body can have. I've been lucky that my outcomes have been so good so far, but easy is not a word that I would use to describe it. 
3. "How much weight have you lost?(insert my reply) "That's amazing, how much more do you want to lose?" Just ask me how much I weighed before surgery. You know you want to. I don't mind telling you. I'll tell the world. I have to own up to how big I once was so that I will never get to that point again. But when you don't ask directly... when I can see you adding the numbers I tell you up in your head it's uncomfortable. It's a little funny to me too, because I'm one person that doesn't hold any of that back. I'm sure there are others that do feel ashamed of their high weight and for this reason, just don't follow up with the second question. 
4. "You look so pretty now!" Thanks. I'm sorry I was such a fat ugly troll before. (honestly, I don't think that every time but on a snarky day I do.) Once again the solution is to just stop talking. Don't add the "now". Just leave it at "you look so pretty" and we are both happy.
5. "I would have surgery but I just like food too much." Because I got to 334 pounds because I hate food? And it's not like I can't have food anymore. I still get to eat. I just am learning to eat like a normal person eats. It's that simple. We all like food too much, that's why so many adults are obese now. 
6. "Be careful which doctor you choose, my _____ had that surgery and she died." This is mainly for the pre-op stage. Yes this surgery can be dangerous (see #2). But for me, I always ask follow up questions to the so-and-so died story. First, I ask when she had surgery... it's usually pre-1985. Old school, open gastric bypass. That was over 30 years ago. Doctors still smoked in the hallways of hospitals in 1985. The gastric bypass surgery of 1985 was totally different than the surgery today. And I'm not even having gastric bypass. Then I have to go into how my surgery is different. And usually this isn't even from someone that I know. This is the type warning I get from a lady that notices I'm buying protein shakes in Wal-Mart and feels led to warn me about aunt Eunice that had a bad bypass in 1983. Now, don't get me wrong. I extensively researched this surgery. I researched my doctor, and the hospital that he used. I knew every symptom of every possible complication. I put my nurse brain to work and I was prepared. I was probably more prepared than the average patient but that's just because of my medical knowledge. Regardless, I know people die of complications of surgery, but just because a friend of a friend of yours had a bad outcome does not mean that everyone else will.
7. "Are you gonna trade your husband in for a new one when you get skinny?" This one really made me laugh. The answer is no. No other words for this one... just no.
8. "Did you ever try diet and exercise before?" You mean I could have dieted and lost weight? I never knew? Why didn't you tell me that before I let that crazy doctor cut my stomach out? ........ Are you kidding me? Stop.
9. "What do you eat? (Usually followed by "well I might just try to eat exactly that and see how much I lose")" Go for it. I mean if I could have stuck to my tiny portion sizes before I might not have been in the mess I was. I struggle to get 800 calories a day, even with nutritional supplements added in. It's not a diet for the faint of heart. I don't know many that could stick with this regimen without the physical restriction that surgery provides. Go for it and let me know if you still think this is an easy way out. 
10. "Better not gain it all back." I'm so glad you told me that because that was exactly what I was planning to do. If it hadn't been for your warning, I was gonna pack every pound back on. Thank you for warning me! I don't know what I would do without friends like you........ Come. ON. 
11. "Are you supposed to eat that?" This one is tricky. I don't mind if my husband tells me this as I pop a chip in my mouth. He's in this with me. He is keeping me grounded and on track. But when I have one tiny smidge of pie on my plate and some one at the party that knows I've had surgery, but doesn't really know me that well says it? That's a different story. I'm not telling you what to eat. What gives you the idea that you have the right to tell me? 

I know there are probably other things that I could add to this list, but you see my point. As I said before, there has been so much encouragement in my life these days. It almost makes it easier to pick out the things that bug me because I've heard so little of these. If you have someone in your life that is considering this surgery just be there for them. Offer your support. Ask them gently if they want to talk about their fears and their hopes. Compliments are always appreciated just be sure to keep your own doubts and judgements from showing through. I can't speak for everyone but I can assure you that this is one of the most emotional and rewarding journeys of my life. I'm loving the changes that I'm seeing but I'm mourning the loss of my old coping mechanisms. It helps to hear encouraging words. It's also really helpful to have a sense of humor and I hope that some of that shows through the list above. Thanks for reading! If you are a WLS patient I would love to hear some personal stories of your own encounters in the comments!

WLS Journal Part 8: Three months already???

Haven't posted an update in a while. Since the kids have been out of school there's not a lot of quiet time to gather my thoughts. I'm still making good progress. I've lost 80 pounds total. Sixty pounds since my surgery date. My current weight is 254. I have lost 12.5 inches in my waist. I'm in a size 18 pants now, down from a size 26. I feel amazing. 

Summer has created some kinks in my schedule. We keep a really laid back lifestyle in the summer. We sleep late in the mornings now. My workouts were typically done after I sent the kids to school in the mornings, so there has been a big adjustment in my routine. We do swim every day and I'm no longer the fat girl that is scared to be seen playing with my kids in the water. I get off the float and I swim laps and play in the water with the kids. We ride bikes in the evenings and take walks together. It's fun to see them be more active because they see me being more active. I'm still able to get in three or four good hour plus workouts a week, and for now that seems to be enough. When i don't have much time, I just try to get a good 20 minute walk in.

I'm losing hair.  It's a pretty decent little ball that comes out everyday in the shower. Nothing like hair loss that chemo patients have. It's just a steady thinning every day. It is coming out evenly though, so that's much better than having a bald spot. I've lost probably 50% of my volume. It's not the end of the world. I really thought I would be more upset about it than I am. I have a new confidence that helps me cope. I don't really believe that there is any magic combination of protein and vitamins that stops your hair from falling out. It's just the consequence of the rapid weight loss. I'm diligent about taking my MVI, biotin, b-complex vitamins, calcium, and I get 80 to 100 grams of protein every day. I don't know what else I can do but ride it out and hope that it stops before I'm bald. It will grow back, eventually.

I'm also having a hard time with food burnout. I still enjoy food, don't get me wrong. I just have a hard time planning meals for myself. I'm constantly pinning new recipes and watching food prep videos for ideas, but those rarely make it into my kitchen. My go to meal is chicken. I need more variety. I'm almost at the point where I'd rather not eat anything than eat the same things over and over. It's also easy to make a pasta dish or casserole for the rest of the family and just eat a bag of tuna or something. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but I think this is a common problem.

I had to start taking Prilosec. I never had acid reflux before this surgery. I tried to take zantac for it but it didn't work. A few nights I woke up wheezing because I had inhaled acid. It's so painful. I never knew how painful it was before. I had never really experienced it before. What I thought was heartburn was nothing compared to this. I was leery about starting prilosec because there are so many adverse effects for long term use but I couldn't avoid it. The good news is that the stuff works. I'm sleeping much better and haven't had an acid attack since I started it.

Didn't mean for this to be such a negative post. There are so many positives in my life too. I do not have one single regret about my decision to have this surgery. My high blood pressure is CURED. My lower leg edema is GONE. My joint pain is GONE. I don't wake up groaning any more. My aches and pains are nothing compared to before. I feel amazing. I can see muscles in my arms and legs that I've never seen before. Even when I was at this weight in the past I wasn't half as strong as I am now. 

I go for my three month follow up on Wednesday. It will be wonderful to stand under that Alabama Weight Loss Surgery sign and have my first "after" picture taken. My personal goal was to get to 175 pounds... so I'm officially halfway to my goal weight. It feels so good to be able to say that!

This is the most recent comparison photo I have. Been a week or two since the pic on the right was taken. It's always satisfying to see my profile shrinking though!